Attractions we'd like to see at the State Fair of Texas.

1. A corny-dog eating contest pitting En Vogue against .38 Special.

2. Deep-fried concept cars.

3. The Texas Skyway cars and Starlight Parade floats reveal themselves to be opposing factions of transforming robots from outer space that have fallen to Earth to retrieve the last remnants of their alien race's life force: handmade leather goods.

4. Deep-fried Shamwows.

5. The Pee Wee Stampede breaks free of its designated area. Immediately, the tiny cowpokes head for the Midway to pillage its wide assortment of feather boas, foam pirate swords and Family Guy dolls.

6. Deep-fried BMX Bike Show.

7. A two-in-one booth that takes a photo of you wearing a customized airbrushed T-shirt in an old-timey Wild West saloon.

8. Deep-fried Jason Castro dreadlocks.

9. Tom Selleck operating the delightfully out-of-date Magnum P.I. ride.

10. Deep-fried Dancing Dogs. (Note: The dogs would not be harmed if the batter was thick enough. They would simply be encased in a delicious, crunchy shell.)