Halftime entertainment we'd like to see at the Cowboys' home opener on Sunday

1. A 21-gun salute that uses modified T-shirt cannons to launch payloads of delicious barbecue into the stands.

2. A summer-stock production of Guys and Dolls violently interrupted by Truckasaurus.

3. The Turtle Creek Chorale performing a rousing medley of "Rock You Like a Hurricane," "(I've Had) The Time of My Life" and "Bubba Shot the Jukebox."

4. Motorcycle-designing daredevil Jesse James eats his own foot.

5. Cheerleader tickle fight.

6. One lucky fan gets chosen at random to play quarterback in the second half.

7. A stoic and completely nude Jon Voight stands motionless at midfield for several minutes.

8. Underwater mixed-martial-arts battle between a tiger shark and Kimbo Slice.

9. A local improv troupe takes suggestions from the crowd in order to spontaneously create a comedy sketch, but is then immediately gunned down by snipers.

10. Lee Greenwood performs "God Bless the USA," accompanied only by a choir of pitch-perfect farts.

Geoff Johnston

Print