November predictions by Lady Miss Starflower Betamax

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): An inversed modality in your psycho-script will result in a streak of unparalleled, yet short-lived luck that will see you winning the lottery, finding true love, realizing your wildest dreams and then dying after being struck by a meteor.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You will experience a severe lapse of metaphysical retrogradation, but throughout the entire ordeal your hair will look and smell fantastic!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your astrological symbol is that of the mighty "sea goat." Ha ha! You're a goat who lives in the sea! How lame is that?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You disgust me to no end.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): An ancient wise man once said, "If you wanna go and take a ride wit me. We three-wheelin' in the fo' with the gold D's. Oh, why do I live this way? Hey, it must be the money!" They sang that on Glee a couple weeks back. Man, that's a great show!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): The half-moon of your ascendant birth waters is about to crest. And it smells like a dirty, dusty fart.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Why must you insist on wearing hats that are inappropriate for a person your age?

GEMINI (May 21-June 21): Your celestial reflection harbors powerful and resourceful energies, making it the perfect time to challenge a group of senior citizens to a rousing game of Laser Tag.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): The sand planet is in the fourth phase. Still, this does not excuse your compulsion to shoplift baby food.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): All of your bio-classical elements have aligned in a way that will grant you unmatched sexual prowess. Too bad you're ugly and nobody likes you. Sad trombone!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your wave cycle is at the quarter-mark position, empowering you with the gift of enchanted flight. Unfortunately, the vestigial wings that will slowly sprout out of your shoulder blades over the next few days will be permanently fused to your spinal cord, and any attempt to remove them will result in immediate paralysis from the neck down.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A rare event – you will cross over into the nexus self-center of the quadruplicates. Also, you will wrap your roommate's Hyundai around a tree after a six-hour police chase. So, ya know, glass is half full.