October predictions by Lady Miss Starflower Betamax

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) You are one slice of pizza away from losing every single iota of self-control and willpower. But Jesus must have invented stuffed crust for a reason.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to watch All About Steve.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Fate doesn't close a door without opening a jar of mayonnaise. Wait, that's not it. A door doesn't close without a window being ajar. No, that's not it either. A door made of mayonnaise – I'm sure that's not right. Don't open or close any doors or windows till I get this straightened out, OK?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Yes, it's infected.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) This is the dawning of the age of you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) All hope is lost. Find solace in an ice cream sandwich.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) You'll probably want to stop sending those sexually explicit letters to the local weather lady. It doesn't take a seasoned meteorologist to determine that there is no such thing as "Tropical Storm My Penis."

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Each day, a new flower blooms. Unfortunately, your severe seasonal allergies respond to such activity by shutting down your entire respiratory system within seconds. Encase yourself in a ventilated plastic bubble as soon as humanly possible.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21) That is not a flattering blouse.

CANCER (June 22-July 22) A stranger's offhand compliment will reveal a promising hidden quality, probably having to do with your butt or something.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Try to update your Facebook status with something that has inherent context, is actually interesting and includes some sort of forethought and insight. Just once.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) That ex-lover who told you he was never going to give you up, let you down or run around and hurt you? Well, he's going to do just that. But dammit if he doesn't look smooth in a trenchcoat.

Lady Miss Starflower Betamax is an astrophysiologist and horoscope seer who holds a triple degree in astrology, astronomy and rhinoceros sciences from Updegraff Online University. When she is not predicting cosmic fates, she enjoys playing with her cats, needlepoint, light bondage and playing with her cats.