Calamity: Hello, sports fans! Welcome to another exciting installment of Sports Chat! I'm your host, Calamity Dinkens.

Zip: And I'm your more handsome, stronger and more sexually virile host, Zip Zippler!

Calamity: OK, whatever. So, the Mavericks opened with a pretty –

Zip: Don't you "whatever" me, you smug little puke. I will cram this microphone so far down your windpipe that your BMs will consist of nothing but audio cable.

Calamity: Whoa! Where did that come from?

Zip: Right here, Cal!

Calamity: You're pointing at my crotch.

Zip: Good eye, bitch-nuts!

Calamity: What does your unprovoked fit of rage have to do with my crotch?

Zip: I think you just answered your own question, Cal!

Calamity: Did I?

Zip: Look, I'm gonna be the bigger man and move forward here.

Calamity: That would be great, Zip.

Zip: Let's talk about the Mavs.

Calamity: Beautiful.

Zip: See, I bought season tickets for my whole family, a few weeks before my wife left me for her new spiritual life guide, Gongadoo the Traveler.

Calamity: Zip, not here. We talked about this last –

Zip: Shut your face-hole, Cal! She took our daughter! I miss her so much!

Calamity: It's gonna be OK.

Zip: No, it is not! It will not be OK! Now, does anyone want to buy these extra tickets from me?

Calamity: We don't need to do this, Zip.

Zip: Don't you dare tell me what I don't need to do.

Calamity: You're not making any –

Zip: I will kick your face in the face! Now, who's gonna buy these tickets?

Calamity: Maybe we can hold a contest for the tickets.

Zip: Contest? OK, here's a contest. I take this book of matches out of my pocket, I strike this match, and ... there!

Calamity: How does setting fire to season tickets constitute a contest of any kind?

Zip: Fire wins, Cal! It always does!

Calamity: But you set fire to all three sets of tickets.

Zip: So?

Calamity: So now you don't have tickets, either. No one has tickets now.

Zip: Wrong again! Fire has them! Fire has them all!!!

Calamity: And that's all the time we have for the Sports Chat. Till next time, I'm Calamity Dinkens.

Zip: And I'm Zip Zippler. Fire wins!!!

Sports Chat With Zip Zippler and Calamity Dinkens is brought to you by Gluhrman's Yogurt: "Now with more zebra hooves!"

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