11/19/2009

Why do we date the demented?
I once went out with a girl who had the odd superpower of being able to get twice as drunk as the average human. This could produce tremendous awkwardness at parties when she would vomit behind throw pillows or pass out in the dog run.

11/12/2009

How to get to, and improve, Sesame Street
Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary this week.

11/05/2009

It's a man's world ... or is it?
I was watching her get ready for our date. There was something beautiful about her fuss over the details.

10/29/2009

Gordon's Halloween Grab Bag of Fun
There are few things in this world more fun and life-affirming than my Annual Halloween Grab Bag of Fun. I consider it a labor of love, but you can think of it as a list of stuff I came up with right before last call. Either way, we're both wrong.

10/22/2009

It takes years to undo fears of youth
What is life, other than attempting to impress your high school friends years after they have ceased to care?

10/15/2009

Decorating my heart out
"Please tell me you are not going to decorate the house for Halloween again," she said.

10/08/2009

An exclusive interview with U2-loving Dunham & Miller
In anticipation of U2's concert on Monday at Cowboys Stadium, our own Gordon Keith was granted exclusive access to the two most famous U2 lovers in North Texas – George Dunham and Craig Miller of "The Ticket." Gordon: After 30 years, why is U2 still your favorite band?

10/01/2009

Requiem for a squirrel
[Editor's note: We return to one of Gordon's classic columns this week. Think of it as "Gordo's Gold." Or a rerun. Either one.]

09/24/2009

My love affair with the fair
If you are a longtime reader of this award-winning, hastily written column, you know that I love the State Fair of Texas more than I love putting my man privates in a vise and inviting strangers to crank on it. (Editor's note: Gordon, this comparative doesn't work.)

09/17/2009

Pardon the interruption: Kanye West and Joe Wilson
I am glad that Americans have shown that they can unite against a common enemy, like al-Qaeda, cancer and Kanye West.

09/10/2009

Gordo talks to Romo, and offers his fearless Cowboys predictions
Now that the Death Star in Arlington is fully operational, Jerry's plan for controlling the NFL galaxy is coming to fruition. All he needs now is the cooperation of a powerful, somewhat young Jedi (Romo), and the cunning of a beautiful princess who was once attracted to her brother (Wade).

09/03/2009

I'm a stallion who's not in the mood
A few days ago, I pulled on my cowboy boots, snapped up my Western shirt and arrived at a horse-riding stable at the crack of dawn. The sky was already blushing as I kicked through the dust toward the barn with coffee in hand.

08/27/2009

First day of school fears

08/20/2009

Old-style fan just blows me away
Ihave many heirlooms. My father's desk. My uncle's pocket watch. My grandmother's chastity belt (broken).

08/13/2009

Let's dumb down together

08/06/2009

Behind the scenes at Cowboys training camp
It is my strong opinion that the Dallas Cowboys are the biggest NFL franchise in Dallas-Fort Worth. This cannot be disputed. Kinda like the moon landing and the Kennedy assassination.

07/30/2009

If looks could kill ...
How is it that a girl who normally won't wear anything more revealing than a beekeeper's suit will freely prance around in skintight clothing just because it can be worn in chlorinated water? Does she not consider the Marty Feldman eyes appraising her from a hole in the common fence that separates our yards? (Please omit before publication.)

07/23/2009

Gordon Keith: Into the great wide open
This is the time of year when many families are experiencing that ritualistic beating of The Family Road Trip. Coolers are being packed, favorite blankets are being clutched and hip flasks are being concealed. And, as usual, tempers will flare before the tailpipe scrapes the pavement in front of the house.

07/16/2009

Tips from a superstar media personality
[Editor's note: We return to one of Gordon's classic columns this week. Think of it as "Gordo's Gold." Or a rerun. Either one.]

07/09/2009

Down by the sea, things get weird
A vacation at the beach can be no vacation at all if you are me.

07/02/2009

Let's remember the happier MJ
My sister was way into Michael Jackson. She had a poster hanging in her room that caused a profound short circuit in my developing brain.

06/25/2009

Close (and strange) encounters
I once had a girlfriend with one of those little Paris Hilton dogs.

06/18/2009

Barking dog, or evil incarnate?
I have never really had the guts to confront anyone. I'm the guy who never sends back a meal, even if a dead rat is blended into my sandwich. I'll let yapping mothers mistreat their kids in front of me while I rehearse courageous dialogue in my head.

06/11/2009

Everybody in the pool - except you, Keith family
We were never really pool people, in the sense that we never actually had a kidney-shaped body of water in our back yard in which we could urinate freely. We wanted one. The kids. But my mother was deathly afraid of pools, and my father, he didn't want the exertion of acquiring an intellectual grip on basic chlorine chemistry.

06/04/2009

Ask Gordon, and you shall receive
"S ince I can't reply to everyone personally through e-mail, I reply personally through a column."

05/28/2009

Check out my large carbon footprint
I love the Earth's environment. In fact, it is one of my favorite places to live. Yes, I love eagles soaring and bended grain, and any other soft image found behind prayer scriptures on TV. However, as much as I love the environment, I suck at preserving it.

05/21/2009

To shave or not to shave, that is the question
I lost a bet, and now I may have to do something drastic.

05/14/2009

The best hotel convention center ever
I imagine Mayor Tom Leppert was shirtless last Saturday night, partying his ass off, and kissing not babies, but their hot mothers, as aides tried to remind him through gritted smiles that cameras were rolling.

05/07/2009

The language of love ... and enchiladas
In my early adulthood, when I first traveled to Europe, I was scared as hell. I was frightened I wouldn't have enough money to get back home, and that I would have a kidney stolen. Turns out I had plenty of money for my cheap style of traveling, and when I ran out of that money, I SOLD a kidney to return home. (Wasn't my kidney.)

04/30/2009

Gordon Keith: Don't come near me, you swine!
I fear many things – death, burglars in Scream masks and now swine flu.

04/23/2009

World destruction imminent; comments are on
Asteroid collision imminent, experts say: World destruction in nine hours.

04/16/2009

400 words about 140 characters
Twitter has reached the tipping point. Newscasts are now updating us on which celebrity is the latest to begin "Twittering."

04/09/2009

Spring smells of daisies and bedpans
The other day I found myself frolicking in a meadow. I guess I don't mean "found" as in "I had no idea where I was or what I was doing before I looked down to spot myself doing grands jetés in a poppy field." Actually, I do mean that.

04/02/2009

Minivans: as sexy as we make them
I'm a car nut. I love all kinds of cars, and wish I were rich enough to own one of every model ever made.

03/26/2009

Awkward encounters at a local super-store
I am at my new local Wal-Mart super-store, doing my damnedest to put mom and pop outta business, when up walks this guy. He is in his 20s. Dressed OK, not great, but certainly better than me.

03/19/2009

Squat down and listen to this
In this economy, anyone who hasn't been laid off is doing the job of someone who has. Perhaps you are one of them – doing three times the amount of work for the same pay – but if you are smart, you don't openly complain about it.

03/12/2009

Feel the power of terrible music
We all have songs that immediately drain the life force out of us. For whatever reason, they are perfectly matched to some raw nerve in us that makes us want to claw the eyes out of a moose when we hear the familiar opening chords.

03/05/2009

Do these critters deserve our love?
Are pets really that great? I know we sing their praises and say things like, "That dog means more to me than Jesus," but didn't we see what happened to John Lennon for saying such things?

02/26/2009

What Dubya's diary might look like
Well, I'm back in Dallas again after 10 or 11 long years of being the president. I figure I better start keeping a diary. Already working on my first book of memoirs. I'm sure I'll confuse literary elites with my unconventional use of an elderly black man as the folksy narrator of my life. Also, to attract young people, I'm adding more vampires and wizard schools.

02/19/2009

Flying object of my affection
I've seen a UFO. I was standing in front of my parents' house with my high school girlfriend. We were getting into her car for heavy petting.

02/12/2009

How to not hate the first date
My love life is more checkered than an Italian tablecloth.

Gordon’s Valentine Cards
I am struggling through sickness to write my annual Valentine cards. I thought you would get a giggle out of some old ones I found, along with a few new ones.

02/05/2009

Cycling through dark history
Last weekend, more than 100 cyclists got together to promote Dallas cycling in a most unusual way. They biked the Lee Harvey Oswald trail of tears – the escape route of our city's most accomplished presidential assassin. Because, come on, what says "cycling" more than "presidential assassination flight?"

01/29/2009

Airport losers make me want to jet
The greatest people-watching, outside of porn, is at the airport. It is like a big savannah watering hole, where you are exposed to females from unfamiliar groups.

01/22/2009

Warning, fellas: Flirting can hurt
Last weekend in Fort Worth, two men learned the hard way that nothing good happens after 2 a.m.

01/15/2009

Car show fuels old memories
The Detroit auto show is going on this week, and I gotta tell you, my automotive pants are going crazy. I love cars. Always have.

01/08/2009

Party types are easy to classify
You know what is worse than being a sloppy drunk on New Year's Eve? Being sober and surrounded by sloppy drunks on New Year's Eve. I know I risk sounding like your grandmother when I say, "Your grandfather does it like a sex-crazed stallion should ... and also, don't drink," but I must say it anyway.

01/01/2009

A new year, a new death wish
With the new year comes a fresh crop of columns about New Year's resolutions and hope. But really, screw all that. 2008 was a bad year and I want to dwell on it.

12/25/2008

Time to close the book on Christmas
The sleigh was dripping water in the garage next to the Buick, and most of the reindeer were already back in the barn. The snow was thick, and it made the ground look like it had white breasts, but only where two hills were close together and of roughly the same size.

12/18/2008

Adventures in Christmas decor
"The world was a better place without topiary reindeer," I say.

12/11/2008

Yes, dear Madeleine, there is a Santa
It was a question I knew would come up eventually, but that didn't prevent me from being completely unprepared.

12/04/2008

Let's buy our way out of this slump
The American consumer has once again come to the American Consumer-Based Economy's rescue. This holiday shopping season has started with a little bang.

11/27/2008

Holiday's a time to share weapons
Tempers are always simmering at the annual Keith family Thanksgiving meal. In fact, we usually don't know the meal is over until police arrive.