This election has revealed a highly polarized country. The president-elect needs to reunite the country as soon as possible. However, getting people to get along is difficult and awkward, like stripping while sober.

I have some suggestions for Mr. The President-Elect.

Gather all the people from the red states and blue states in a place that you don't mind getting trashed, like Kentucky, and throw a huge party. Provide barbecue, a trashy cover band (no one likes originals), and free beer shooting from the teats of Greek sculptures to add a touch of class.

Then sit back and watch drunk liberals and conservatives lose inhibitions. This is a calculated risk. Drunk people go one of two ways, violent or horny. Hopefully, people won't settle political differences with slurs and gun play, but rather open-mouthed kissing and dry humping. And if the party is lame, everyone can just sit back and watch the drunk 47-year-old jorts-wearing lot lizard dance in front of the band. She's always funny, especially when a song comes on that reminds her of her youth.

Another way to unite opposing people is by giving them a common enemy. Obviously, you have to choose someone everyone hates, like Osama bin Laden or Dane Cook. I recommend Dane Cook, because he's not as funny. Actually, I have never seen Osama's standup, but his hook-on beard is a riot.

Once you convince Americans they should hate someone else, they will temporarily forget their hatred for each other. But even if they are united, problems remain.

I have many friends who do not have adequate health care. Do I want to help them? No. I want the government to help them, by forcing other people (not me) to help them. But until we get universal health care, I have another plan that will assist the uninsured.

I've noticed a loophole in my company's health care program. They allow coverage for "domestic partners," yet they do not require any proof of a sexual relationship, like a stained sheet or a lunchtime performance in HR. So I propose all single, insured workers sign up an uninsured friend and claim him/her as a "domestic partner." Hell, sleep with 'em a few times to prove you aren't gay. That would be so hot.

If everyone would follow my temporary plan, millions of Americans would get health insurance and experience forbidden sex. What more could we ask?

In conclusion, the end.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Thursday nights at 12:35 a.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@gordon keith.com.

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