The sleigh was dripping water in the garage next to the Buick, and most of the reindeer were already back in the barn. The snow was thick, and it made the ground look like it had white breasts, but only where two hills were close together and of roughly the same size.

"Rudolph, I want to thank you for another job well done," Santa said, pulling off his boots.

"Thanks, big guy," Rudolph said, lighting a cigarette. "My back is killing me."

"Hey, your back, my anus!" Santa offered.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the North Pole for about 20 minutes as everyone looked at each other.

"Anyway," Rudolph continued, "I think I am going to head out to the barn. You cool?"

"Yeah. I'm gonna pour me a tall glass of sin and catch up on some 30 Rock," Santa said. "Will you call up the elves and tell them they can come up to the house through the dark Christmas Forest?"

"Sure thing, Santa." Rudolph grabbed a hoof full of cash from the counter before taking off to see his dealer. Santa settled back into his recliner, as the werewolf lurked in the shadows, waiting for his moment.

I love classic old Christmas stories like this. My family has passed them down for ages. There is no finer family tradition than the Keiths gathering around the Christmas trash barrel as we burn financial records, warming our hands and exchanging inspirational stories. How about this one?

Tommy was the smallest elf in the North Pole, and Tommy hated Christmas. Every year, the other elves would make fun of kind Tommy's slow toy production and crazy attention to detail. But that's not why Tommy hated Christmas. Tommy hated Christmas because it killed his father. In cold blood. Over a woman.

You see? These stories are timeless and relatable. Here's another to warm your heart.

Mrs. Claus was sad. She had forgotten to make all the little dollies that the girls of the world had requested. Plus, she'd just found some panties in the glove box of the sleigh that weren't hers. A quick check of the browser history enlarged her eyes, and showed Santa was doing more than e-mailing his cousin in Boca Raton. She called her sister. "What is elf-on-elf action?" she asked.

Ah, yes. These stories can now be yours during my special year-end blowout sale. Get your copy of Gordon Keith's Big Book of Disturbing and Scarring Christmas Tales for only $5.95 from Quick Buck Publishing.

You'll be sorry you did.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Thursday nights at 12:35 a.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.

Text the words "Q Gordon"

(that's Q space Gordon) to 76477 (S-N-I-P-P) on your mobile phone to have this week's concert info e-mailed to you.Q GORDON

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