There are few things in this world more fun and life-affirming than my Annual Halloween Grab Bag of Fun. I consider it a labor of love, but you can think of it as a list of stuff I came up with right before last call. Either way, we're both wrong.

• Billy Mays pitching Death

• Michael Jackson in hell surrounded by beautiful women over 18

• Patrick Swayze quietly sitting in the corner with Baby

• (High-concept) Over-pronunciation man who is mute

• Whore witch

• Whore nurse

• Whore teacher

• Whore

• Prostitute scientist

• Slut angel

• Sarah Palin

• Visit a local cemetery and hold a black mass. When it comes time to kill the goat, say you are just kidding, and as everyone is laughing in relief, kill the goat anyway.

• Write some nonsensical stuff, then say "pants."

• Instead of giving candy to the children, give them head lice.

• When kids say "trick or treat," pressure-wash them.

• Jar your own waste for three months, and then lie and say you did it for six.

• Prank your neighbor by killing his beloved pet.

Story No. 1: Old Nick was half a mile down the creek bed when he first heard the hounds. There were four of them, but he knew the prison guards would bring more. As he came to a clearing under the full moon, an inebriated Frankenstein jumped out and made quick and decisive love to him. The hounds turned on the prison guards and tore them to pieces. Nine months later, a baby passed from Old Nick's body. He named this baby "Revenge," even though it was harder to spell than "Pete."

Story No. 2: Becky took the late shift not knowing it would be her last. As she closed up the diner, she heard a moaning sound from the kitchen. "I am sure it's nothing," she thought. The moans grew louder. Curious but scared, Becky opened the door to the walk-in freezer and screamed. There was Carlos, the busboy, giving it to this other waitress. Two years later, Carlos was found floating face-down in a hotel swimming pool. He was all right, though. Just snorkeling.

Story No. 3: It was rumored that the old mill was haunted. That is why they called it the Rumor Mill. One night some drunk local boys decided to head down there to see if they could scare up some ghosts. Crazy Johnny went in first, shotgun a-blazin'. When no ghost appeared, he shot himself in the head and made himself into a ghost so he could scare the others. But the others had already lost interest and gone back to the bar.

Pants.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.

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