It is my strong opinion that the Dallas Cowboys are the biggest NFL franchise in Dallas-Fort Worth. This cannot be disputed. Kinda like the moon landing and the Kennedy assassination.

My dedication to football coverage has been well- documented in these pages. Half of my columns are about the Cowboys, and the other half are about maladies I've picked up from centaurs. (Please verify. Going from memory here.) So when the Cowboys decided to hold training camp in San Antonio this year, I went with them.

I must confess, I haven't seen too much practice. Having acute social anxiety, I fritter away my days in my hotel. I hope this doesn't affect my Cowboys camp report for you:

The Cowboys Training Camp Report From San Antonio

By Gordon Keith, 2nd Grade

The Cowboys are looking good this year, although the secondary is a little thin. Speaking of thin, my hotel walls are made of rice paper and wishes. As I go to sleep in my princess pajamas, I can hear the energetic child-making of the couple next door. Last night, the woman whispered into the man's ear, "You turn me on," and I answered back, "He does me, too." It was an awkward moment. Their bed stopped creaking. So did mine. We all froze, wide-eyed, wondering who was going to restart the creaking first. They won due to my impatience.

Tony Romo is under a lot of pressure to take the team to the next level. Speaking of pressure, the shower in my room releases less water than my granddad with the swollen prostate. When opened full bore, the shower delivers just enough water to baptize a June bug. If it's not Baptist. Since I find conventional bathing difficult, I've hired a band of kittens to clean me daily. My skin is raw from their aggression, but mother cats look at me more fondly.

I hope Wade Phillips has not bitten off more than he can chew with this head coaching job. Hey, my hotel has a free breakfast. Thing is, there are way too many people and a limited amount of food. I jostle and hip-check mothers of small children for a chance at a sausage patty, and this morning I sent a senior citizen to the floor at the do-it-yourself waffle-maker. He just didn't want it bad enough.

In conclusion, I really hope the Cowboys dominate this year and go all the way to the Super Bowl in Miami. They have better hotels there.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@ gordonkeith.com.

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