[Editor's note: We return to one of Gordon's classic columns this week. Think of it as "Gordo's Gold." Or a rerun. Either one.]

Being a superstar media personality, people are always asking me, "Gordon, as a superstar media personality, can you tell me the best way to pick up women?"

I tell them, "After you bring my entrée, I'll tell you." Stupid question-askers are always asking me questions, and bringing me entrées.

The truth is, I wasn't always this successful. There were dark days of making out with cougars with muffin-tops at neighborhood Applebee's, before I turned into the Cervix King. I discovered the hard way that there are some pickup lines Dallas women don't respond to. I'll share a few with you now.

"I went to clown college." – Gordon Keith, 2003

There was a time when I thought I had found my special purpose, so I started a clown ministry. I mainly went to old folks' homes and tried to shoot apples off their heads and stuff. It was a disaster. I Kevorkianed seven members of the Greatest Generation before I switched to juggling.

Juggling flaming bowling pins at hospitals seemed like a good idea. Unfortunately, I didn't quite understand the "Oxygen in use" signs, and I blew up two ICUs before hanging up my singed rainbow wig.

Now I simply tell women I went to a "small elite college that only admits 10 people a semester." I don't say it is the first 10 who buy the outfit from their store.

"I am a cobbler." – Gordon Keith, 2004

After college, I worked for a shoe repair place. Well, let me tell you, women don't find "cobblers" sexy. It is just one of those professions that seems antiquated and somewhat rural, like you should be working out of the hollow of a tree and wearing a felt hat.

So I learned to reword my job title as "shoe restoration executive." Soon the chicks began to like me because I was confident, shoe-related and an executive. Plus, I'd break into their homes at night and fix their heels.

"I write a column for Quick." – Gordon Keith, 2008

Women universally respond to this one with a throaty, "You're not the gay-looking one with hair over his eyes who's not funny, are you?" So now I simply say, "Hi, I'm Ben and Skin."

Then I lie back and enjoy their sweet, sweet girly attention.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.

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