I have never really had the guts to confront anyone. I'm the guy who never sends back a meal, even if a dead rat is blended into my sandwich. I'll let yapping mothers mistreat their kids in front of me while I rehearse courageous dialogue in my head.

But now I have a private simmering conflict with my neighbor, of which he remains blissfully unaware. I am tired of his annoying dog.

This dog barks day and night, at nothing in particular, it seems. It's a dog of size. I estimate it to be 500 pounds, so I don't really want to get on his canine bad side by issuing a harsh phrase over the fence. What if he does a Jabari leap, takes off my face and gives it a Christian burial down by the creek?

I'm sure he is a nice enough dog, and probably fetches, rolls over and farts on command, but does he have to yelp as if the barn's on fire ALL the time? As I am trying to enjoy my back porch, do I have to endure what sounds like the Hounds of the Baskervilles treeing Satan himself?

As a liberal who misplaces all anger about animals on their "owners," my neighbor-hatred grows with every startling bark.

Maybe I should write a note.

Dear Intimidating Neighbor that I am scared of despite your thin arms,

Thanks for moving into the neighborhood a few years ago. You seem like a good guy who is unconcerned with appearances. I'm sure you will get those moving boxes off the porch soon! Well, that's about it. Take care.

Oh, your dog is bugging the intercourse outta me. Yeah, the problem with your dog is that because you leave him outside, smudging the sliding glass door with slug trails from his wandering nose as he watches you and your friends enjoying air conditioning and free water and whatever else he feels is so unequal to his outdoor state, he starts a contagion of barking from sympathetic dogs in our neighborhood.

I guess it doesn't bother you, but as I lay down for my afternoon nap, I don't need the Phil Spector Wall of Sound that makes me wish I was a B-movie actress with a House of Blues hosting job and an invitation to Spector's house. (Joke subsequently withdrawn at the odd request of the Palin family.) Neighbor, I'm not asking for you to get rid of the dog. I am asking you to move.

To Montana.

Gordon

P.S. I will probably either tear up this note and throw it away, or publish it.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.

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