"S ince I can't reply to everyone personally through e-mail, I reply personally through a column."

– Gordon Keith, 2009

Gordon, I'm nervous. What will bankruptcy mean for General Motors?

– GM worker in Arlington

Thank you for your courage. Having been through the heartbreak of bankruptcy myself, I can reveal what GM should expect.

The first thing that happens when you file for bankruptcy is your girlfriend breaks up with you and starts dating your brother. Then your car gets repo'd, or, in this case, about 20 million of 'em. Then you'll be hit with a paternity suit from some girl with a lazy eye you met at a club, whose optical wandering makes it impossible to tell if she's addressing you, and whose breath smells like partially digested soup.

Then you'll be arrested, nude, wearing a homemade cape within 20 feet of a nursing home.

Note: I am not saying your experience will be exactly the same as mine, but it will be about 90 percent similar.

Gordon, whom should I watch now? Letterman or Conan?

– A. Quandary

The crowning achievement of my short besotted life is ... well, probably frantically making out with twin sherpas under the disapproving shadow of Everest. But I also interviewed Letterman once.

I don't have a copy of the interview. I do remember I made him laugh. Something about protein pellets for farm animals. It was like having your hero fly down from heaven and laugh at one of your jokes while your cat was stuck in a tree (needs massive rewrite).

However, I won't actually watch either of these guys, because every night as I wait for the barbiturates to overtake me, and Judge Judy's voice to slur into a baritone, I always forget to set my TiVo.

Gordon, is it better to use fluorescent or LED lighting?

– Jack in Mansfield

I'm 80 percent making this up, Jack, but I feel pretty certain that if 20 million people turned off their lights one hour earlier every night, we would create a stat about it. As I mentioned last week, I'm not the most environmentally responsible. I use pesticides (sometimes directly on my food) and I'll dump anything that glows down a storm drain.

However, I have researched this lighting matter. Jack, let's say you buy six fluorescent light bulbs and six LED bulbs. The fluorescents contain mercury, which is highly dangerous, and LED sounds like lead, which is also poisonous. So it's basically six of one, half dozen of the other.

Write me.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com. And watch him host Quick's Big Thing on Friday at the Granada Theater.

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