I lost a bet, and now I may have to do something drastic.

As you can see from that serial-killer picture to the right, I have a beard. A fake, plastic, paint-on kind of beard. The picture was taken the day I got out of detox, I think. (I was pretty blasted that day.)

I refer to this clean-bearded look as "the enormous pile of douche," but these days, my look is much more Manson-y. I look like a yeti who stuck his finger in a light socket.

"When are you going to shave that thing off?" my mom asks.

"When are you going to sober up and tell me who my real father is?" I reply.

We have this conversation all the time. She hates my beard and long hair. In fact, she reads me Bible passages about how the Antichrist will come "to reign in darkness over the Earth with an unkempt beard of fury and the tresses of a harlot."

I suspect her verses are not actually in the Bible, mainly because of the f-bombs and passing mention of "Sportsradio" in them, but I do think about updating my look. Not for God, but for photo shoots. I don't want to look like 1970 Jim Morrison my whole life.

When I was younger, I never thought I would become a bearded American. The only male in my family that had a beard was my uncle, and she was called Aunt Laura. So I never thought I would grow facial hair. As my mom always slurred, "We're not mountain people."

But I grew one.

My beard was formed in the laziness and ennui of a solo trip to Paris about six years ago, during which I found myself depressed, writing poetry and hooking up with two American girls who were experimental and soft. I grew it. They liked it. So I kept it.

I think the beard gives me a didactic and homeless air. It suggests erudition and lack of a permanent address. Dangerous, manly and a silent plea to give me change.

However, on Mother's Day, I laid my beard on the line. I bet mom that she couldn't go two weeks without drinking pure grain alcohol. Now, it has been almost two weeks and she is sober as a judge.

Looks like I am going to lose.

If I shave off my beard, where am I going to store my half-eaten sandwiches?

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com. And go to QuickDFW.com for his weekly "Ask Gordon" feature.

""

Print