I imagine Mayor Tom Leppert was shirtless last Saturday night, partying his ass off, and kissing not babies, but their hot mothers, as aides tried to remind him through gritted smiles that cameras were rolling.

At least, that's what I would have done if I were mayor and I had won yet another huge vote. You would have seen my sweaty, grinning face and pierced nipples as I barked shout-outs and "Thank you, Jesus" into every TV camera mic within a 5-mile radius. The next morning I would have gone out and bought a Camaro, too. (I'm that kick-ass.)

But our mayor was not car buying on Sunday after prevailing in the convention center hotel vote. He was out giving more TV interviews and being all mayoral. I know this, because I ran into him. Right by the graveyard beside City Hall, which is creepy.

"Hello, mayor," I said.

"Hey, Gordon. Wanna rub my back?" Mayor Tom said, in reference to an incident that happened between us that I won't go into here, because I want you to think it is seedy.

"You deserve it after yesterday," I said, trying to hide my one-hitter and appear pleasant.

The truth is, I barely knew what I was talking about, because, despite all the hoopla, yard signs and spillage of virtual ink, a small percentage of Dallas voters actually cared enough to vote, and I wasn't one of them. City elections are too boring and don't show enough cleavage for me. This is why I suck and watch a lot of reality TV. If you say the words "civic," "municipal" or "bond" around me, you will see my face go slack and assume the visage of a hypnotized woman addicted to Botox.

"So is this hotel going to be incredible?" I asked, faking knowledge and care.

"We'll see. Got any ideas?" the mayor said.

"No."

We stood there, awkwardly grinning for five silent minutes, then I just kinda wandered off and passed out on a grave. Later, after I found my apartment, the ideas began to flow.

Five ways to make the convention center hotel kick-ass:

5. Make it roomy. Tear down the convention center, and just have the hotel.

4. Move it out of downtown Dallas. Let's face it, you get more bang for your square-footage buck out in the suburbs. I suggest Grapevine.

3. Put in a performance venue. Someplace where Brooks & Dunn would want to play.

2. Build it near a lake. People like to look at municipal water supplies.

1. Give it a name that sounds vaguely insulting to the Lord.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.

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