I fear many things – death, burglars in Scream masks and now swine flu.

I didn't fear swine flu at first, because it sounded like an illness that only affected pigs. You know, just something that happens to pigs that don't wash their hooves after using the computers at the public library, or maybe lay up javelinas that use communal hot tubs for immoral purposes.

But the more television coverage I consumed this week, the more I spiraled into a full-blown, build-my- own-bubble-and-take-John-Travolta- as-a-roommate panic.

From television, I learned that swine flu was not only about to kill me and everyone I've ever loved, but it was also going to assume control of Congress and post negative things about me on the Internet. Pure evil. I knew I must avoid the swine flu at all costs.

But shortly after I turned off the telly, an odd thing happened – a slight bit of confidence returned to my fiber. I mean, wasn't I the same guy who survived the promised epidemics of AIDS, bird flu, SARS and mad cow disease? I not only survived them, but I got a raise at work and caught up on all old episodes of The Wire during that period. My life got better, none of them killed me and the worst thing that happened was that I couldn't find my keys one morning.

As far as animal-related communicable diseases go, I have really only contracted rhinovirus, and I am not even sure that is related. I did grow a tusk of compressed hair on my nose, but it fell off in the shower.

Still, we should be cautious, so I offer you my list of 10 things you can do to avoid swine flu.

1. Avoid pigs that are coughing and apologizing.

2. Don't shake hands with farmers. Dap instead.

3. Be suspicious of a pig that has neglected to wipe down his weight bench.

4. Although you can't get swine flu from eating pork, don't eat pork if a guy with swine flu has just sneezed on it.

5. Don't have unprotected sex with a pig.

6. Use alcohol-based hand sanitizers on bacon strips before eating.

7. Don't have sex with a pig at all.

8. Drink plenty of fluids, but not bodily fluids.

9. Avoid spiders that write words in their webs. Pigs are nearby.

10. Turn off the television.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.

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