We all have songs that immediately drain the life force out of us. For whatever reason, they are perfectly matched to some raw nerve in us that makes us want to claw the eyes out of a moose when we hear the familiar opening chords.
But we can't, because we have no energy. That's what life-force drainers do. Your heartbeat slows, your eyes glaze over and you couldn't even nibble a ham sandwich if someone held it to your lips.
For my friend George, it is "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I don't understand why. "Dancing Queen" is a song most people LOVE. It generally makes people so joyful they hump the air, but for George, it is kryptonite. One man's hit is another man's drainer.
So what is my song kryptonite? Well, there are many.
If you want to go old-school, there is the creepy song "Send in the Clowns." It is all slow and full of clowns, and renders me comatose in less than 10 seconds.
If you just want to slow me down but not totally disable me, then you can play "Time in a Bottle" by Jim Croce. I love Jim Croce, but this one always ties me to a tree and punts me in the scrotum.
In the '90s, a song came out called "What's Up" by Four Non Blondes. Do you remember this bit of bowel movement? There are weird tempo changes, bad lyrics and a voice that see-saws from sing-songy to something that sounds like a schizophrenic being beaten with a shoe.
Every Christmas, just as I am getting ready for Santa Claus, my life is destroyed by Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime." One year, as I was hanging outdoor Christmas lights, this song came on the radio. I fell two stories and flattened a doghouse. Couldn't help it. My muscles immediately atrophied.
There are many more, like Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like a Woman." I have requested that song be played at my funeral, just to make sure I am dead. And Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" makes my car seek concrete embankments.
What is your song kryptonite? Let me guess – anything by Santana.
I know the feeling.
Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.
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