Are pets really that great? I know we sing their praises and say things like, "That dog means more to me than Jesus," but didn't we see what happened to John Lennon for saying such things?

COLUMN REBOOT.

Hello. My name is Gordon Keith. Here's a column.

We all like the IDEA of our pets. The thought of them makes us feel as warm and fuzzy as the couch blanket we've told them to stay off of a million times. But in practicality, they drive us nuts (which we cut off of them).

Dogs are a special kind of hell. They are so dependent and innocent that you have to love them, but they are also evil and laugh behind your back when they are with their dog buddies. "I turned my nose up at my food, so she gave me steak! Can you believe it? Dumb broad gave me steak!"

Having a dog also puts you on a permanent time clock. "Hey, I would love to stay here and have a threesome with you supermodels now that your clothes are off, but I have to get home and let my dog out."

Dogs also render our postage- stamp North Texas back yards useless with the amount of land-mining they do. Heather Mills would flip if she saw what a black lab could do to an average McKinney back yard.

And we let dogs cross all kinds of lines. I once knew a girl who would let her dog lick her in the mouth, whereas I couldn't even get a lingering hug. And I tried. But the dog was unresponsive.

Then, of course, you have the whole humping thing. I knew a girl in high school who had a toy poodle, and I swear that dog had the male appendage of an NBA star. When aroused, that little dog would cross the room in a series of pole vaults. It was incredible.

Cats aren't any better than dogs. I have a cat that is a serial vomiter. There's an art piece he keeps re-creating called "Rubberband With Saliva." He also does that ass-hike toward your face when he's on your lap. I like him fine, but I don't want to see his Cheerio every time he decides to stretch his bald knees.

In conclusion, John Lennon was better than pets, not Jesus. Sue me.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.

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