Saturday, Feb. 21, 2009
Well, I'm back in Dallas again after 10 or 11 long years of being the president. I figure I better start keeping a diary. Already working on my first book of memoirs. I'm sure I'll confuse literary elites with my unconventional use of an elderly black man as the folksy narrator of my life. Also, to attract young people, I'm adding more vampires and wizard schools. This house Laura picked out is failed. First of all, no sports court. I need a place to run my remote control cars and play tetherball, and also to house whatever prisoners I take to secure my neighborhood's freedom.
Went to the hardware store today. Had hoped to go undetected to buy a plunger. Didn't happen. A lot of people recognized me from being the president, so I had to pretend I was there for a hammer. Now I got a toilet that is about as full of crap as Nancy Pelosi.
Sunday, Feb. 22
Man, I'm tired. Laura has me working harder than the government ever did. I swear, it was easier keeping the world safe from terrorists than it has been trying to plow through Laura's "honey-do" list. She wants me to re-hang gutters. I told her I only do fake dude-ranch stuff like kick dirt. We work well together, though. She just points to trees that hate our freedom, and I cut them down. Cut down 12 cedars of Lebanon so far, but balked at the American elm.
Monday, Feb. 23
Went downtown to see that Victory Park. Love the name – Victory. Sounds like winning. They named a hotel after me down there called the "Dubya." I went in but didn't like it. Expected it to be more Hill Country. I can't get over how much Dallas has grown, especially in Preston Hollow chest size.
Tuesday, Feb. 24
Man, I'm bored. I think I'll run for some other office to get out of the house. Does Dallas still have mayors? I re-hung the gutters. Also hung an old MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner across the porch for when Laura got home. She totally laughed.
Wednesday, Feb. 25
Watched a show called Lost tonight. Totally confused.
Thursday, Feb. 26
First full week of livin' back in Dallas, and I gotta say – this place blows. I once said we'd elect a black man as president before I'd move back to Dallas. Damn.
Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.
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