I've seen a UFO. I was standing in front of my parents' house with my high school girlfriend. We were getting into her car for heavy petting.
"Look at that," I said, pointing to my pants.
"I know. It's huge," she said.
I was flattered until I saw her looking up toward a large orange semi-circle floating above the distant sky. The rounded side was down, leaving the flat upper half on top. It looked to be about 5 to 10 miles away.
"Is that the moon?" she asked.
"No," I said, "the moon is over there," and I pointed toward the northeast where the moon was clearly visible and white.
"It is not moving," she said. "Oh, my God, I am freaking out."
"Calm down, sweetie," I said. "You'll feel better with my tongue down your throat."
After staring at the orange glowing object for 30 or 40 seconds, we saw it retreat with amazing velocity. Didn't make a sound. I looked in the paper the next day and asked around at school. Nothing. I would have doubted my own experience had it not been for her corroboration.
A couple years after that, she broke up with me after catching me in bed with a blonde who had 20 pounds of breasts. But I think her irrational decision had something to do with that strange, orange half-circle that glowered over us that night like a disapproving parent.
Last week, people from Dallas to Austin witnessed a glowing fireball in broad daylight streaking across the Texas sky. Authorities now say it was a pickup truck-sized meteor, but I prefer to think of it as a meteor-sized pickup truck that was hauling illegals from another planet to do concrete work in Southlake.
With the dangerous "meteor" of last week and all the recent sightings near Stephenville, I think it is safe to proclaim that North Texas is the UFO Capital of the World, in addition to being the Douchebag Capital of the Southwest.
I think we will soon have an alien spacecraft actually land near Victory Park. The craft will open its steaming hatch toward a gathering crowd of Dallas' elite. The lead alien will emerge to shake Mayor Leppert's oversized hand before dancing his green ass off at the Ghostbar with Mark Cuban and about 10 skanks.
Only then will there be intergalactic peace.
Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.
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