My love life is more checkered than an Italian tablecloth.

When you have been on earth as long as I have (76 years) you learn a thing or two about women. You learn what they like (kissing, spanking) and what they don't like (Star Trek role playing, sex toys made of cheese).

Outside of bathroom stuff, dating has to be the most awkward thing that humans do. There will be lots of first dates this Valentine's Day. I predict most of them will be failed and all of them will be awkward.

My strangest and worst Valentine's date ever was when a woman abruptly excused herself to go outside in the middle of our first course. In her absence, I used my time wisely, copying down her credit card numbers and popping her prescription pills. What is Valtrex?

Finally, my curiosity got the better of me and I went out to the parking lot to check on her. Apparently, her sister brought my date's previously undisclosed infant to the restaurant so my date could breastfeed it.

This is a clear breach of trust. I had begun this date under the pretense that if things got serious, I would be allowed to score with that most female of areas. But this woman was not only nursing a 2-week-old infant, but also an episiotomy wound that would be no match for my virility.

Note to the ladies: If you are in the six-week period of recovery after producing a small human, then tip us off. Nothing too overt. Just point south and whisper, "My vagina is destroyed right now." We won't judge you, or even buy you dinner, but we will thank you for the information and immediately run off to text our buddies.

If you are going on a first or second date this weekend, remember Gordon's Simple Rules for Successful Dating.

1. Use protection. I find that a .357 Magnum is a fine deterrent for old boyfriends.

2. Don't assume she's a girl. This happened to me once. Fortunately, I figured it out before it got too far. He/she was halfway up the wedding aisle when I noticed she had an erection.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.

Link: You call them anti-Valentine's Day cards, Gordon calls them love. Spread the love.