Last weekend, more than 100 cyclists got together to promote Dallas cycling in a most unusual way. They biked the Lee Harvey Oswald trail of tears – the escape route of our city's most accomplished presidential assassin. Because, come on, what says "cycling" more than "presidential assassination flight?"

"Hey Lee Harvey, whatcha up to?"

"Oh, I just shot a Kennedy and now I am fleeing to sunny Oak Cliff!"

Voiceover: "Yes, traveling through Oak Cliff tells the ladies you mean business. But squeezing off three rounds and panicking says 'cycling!' "

I know the group, Bike Friendly Oak Cliff, is made up of good people who hug their mothers and leave nice tips, so I feel bad about issuing an ignorant knee-jerk reaction to their outing, but I have a short deadline and I'm drunk. Real drunk. It's simply the strange mixture of the merry and the macabre that has me scratching my head.

The idea is good. See historic Dallas in the good-for-ya mode of bicycling with the whole family. However, you should choose happy sites like "Look! There's where Mayor Leppert soaks his hands in Palmolive every night!" Or, "Hey, that's the house where Ross Perot goes number two."

But instead there's "Look, little Johnny, that is the apartment where he beat Marina within an inch of her hot Russian life, and there is where he came home after he tried to put a round through Gen. Edwin Walker. Want ice cream?"

Now, I am a Kennedy assassination buff, and I have traveled to all those sites, but at least I had the American decency to go in a gas-guzzling car while eating cheeseburgers.

But if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Therefore, I'm announcing Gordon Keith's Dark Dallas Fitness Adventures, a five-day program of history and sweating.

Day One: Unicycle to the suicide side of the High Five.

Day Two: Canoe to where most of the floaters are fished out of the Trinity.

Day Three: Inline skate to the Routier home.

Day Four: Do pushups on the grave of Clyde Barrow.

Day Five: Bowflex on the lawn of Cullen Davis.

I'm sure I will issue a sincere apology for this column when I sober up. Until then, grab a Sharpie and a camera, because I am about to pass out.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.

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