With the new year comes a fresh crop of columns about New Year's resolutions and hope. But really, screw all that. 2008 was a bad year and I want to dwell on it.

Last year, I had three or four friends die, which is a huge bummer when you are looking for a place to crash or to borrow money. When your friends die so young, it makes you reassess your life. Am I doing all the things I should be doing? Am I sleeping with every woman I possibly can? Am I really as kick-ass as I can be? Probably, but still worth a passing thought.

Every time I encounter a difficult situation, I ask myself WWMDFD? (What Would My Dead Friends Do?) I always come up with the same answer – just lie there, very still. Then I cry and take drugs. I miss my friends very much. They were really sweet people who drew bad cards. On the positive side, I outlasted them. So I kinda won there.

I'm actually excited about this new year because I am about to get filthy rich. I've invented a new ointment, called "Strip Club." It will have a pleasing menthol flavor and a blood-like color. The slogan: "For when your privates look like bubble wrap." Available without a prescription at car washes and finer head shops. My gift to you.

In conclusion, I confess I am somewhat scatterbrained due to some iffy medication I found on the ground in front of my apartment. But I really had high hopes for this column. I envisioned it to be one of those columns that your grandmother sends you to put on your refrigerator for reassurance and inspiration. To recover, and counterbalance the "Strip Club" and dead friend references, I offer this:

Grandma once told me, "When life hands you lemons, say 'thank you,' and resell them to the poor for profit. Then kill two birds with one stone, and eat the less gamey one."

Aren't grandmothers wonderful and wise? Even though they were once sexual enough to reproduce, we forgive them and love them anyway. Butterfly kisses. Remember, when you find yourself unsure and full of doubt in a big world with no one to turn to, just lie there, very still, and hope that you are really dead.

Refrigerator and magnet not provided.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Thursday nights at 12:35 a.m. on Channel 8. E-mail him at gordon@ gordonkeith.com.

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