How is it that a girl who normally won't wear anything more revealing than a beekeeper's suit will freely prance around in skintight clothing just because it can be worn in chlorinated water? Does she not consider the Marty Feldman eyes appraising her from a hole in the common fence that separates our yards? (Please omit before publication.)

I know from experience that if I walk in on a girl in a bra and panties, she will shriek and throw a hairbrush at me with enough force to demolish a hollow-core door. Why I am wearing a bra and panties in this example is beyond me, but I do know that the same girl who won't be seen in HER bra and panties will frolic in a bikini that reveals the gentle contours of heaven and not think twice about it. I love that, but last week it almost got me killed.

"Hey, Gordon. Wanna come over? We're out by the pool," she said. SHE is a friend from work who is hotter than pawn shop power tools. She always wears modest clothes, so I was dying to see her in a bikini.

"Sure." I said, hoping the "we" meant her and her ovulating girlfriend who drinks too much.

I arrived at her pool wearing trunks with plenty of expansion room in the front, ready to show off my golden, well-toned chest, and rub down her and her friend with magic fingers until low moans escaped their pink lips. Instead, she was with a DUDE.

He had the handsome looks of a Southern politician but was as annoying as an enduring nose whistle, always wanting to talk about his boat or hunting lease while I just wanted to stare at his girlfriend.

"Dude, so you work with Clairice, huh? Her job's a joke, dude. I make four times what she makes."

"Yeah, hey, could you move out of the way and let Clairice sit here? I want to catch up on some work stuff."

"No prob, bro. I'm gonna go get another Stella. Want one?"

"Sure."

"I'll get them," Clairice said. I sighed as I watched her hips swaying through the door.

"Dude, you're totally looking at my girlfriend's ass!"

"No. No. Never!"

It escalated and I ran. As the fence door closed, a glass of beer shattered on it.

I smiled and was thankful that fence gates are more substantial than hollow-core doors.

Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.

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