I am struggling through sickness to write my annual Valentine cards. I thought you would get a giggle out of some old ones I found, along with a few new ones.

Hear Gordon on “The Ticket” KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m.

E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.

Dear girlfriend of three months,

I can't imagine breaking up with someone on Valentine's Day. But I am doing it anyway.

Gordon

Dear Sugar Sweet,

First you were my lover, and now you are also my best friend. With Carl, it went the other way.

Gordon

Dear Feb. 14th Girl,

They say no two snowflakes are alike. But your sister feels awfully similar.

Gordon

Hey Girlfriend,

Do you ever love someone so much that it hurts? I do. That's why I now numb my privates with novocain.

Gordon

Dear Sugarlips,

Is there anything as big as our love? Yes. Your ass. Eat less,

Gordon

Dear Cupid arrow-receiver,

What can I say after five years together?

Oh, I know. Kill me.

Gordon

Dear Committed Lover,

Anyone can get a tattoo, but a hot branding iron REALLY says you're mine. Be ready.

Gordon

Dear Sentimental Safety Girl,

If your house burns down, which picture of me would you take? Tell you what, I'll choose for you, after I discard the kerosene and torch.

Gordon

Dear Valentine,

What do you do when you love someone so much that it makes you want to kill them? I send them a card. Happy Valentine's Day.

Gordon

Dear cuddly girl,

Our love is like a work of art. But not like the Mona Lisa. More like something involving urine.

Gordon

Dear lover,

I know you're often creeped out when you awaken in the middle of the night and I am standing over your bed with a hammer in my hand. But I am just like that.

Gordon

Dear Valentine,

When I think of you, I think of love. The kind of love that involves a leather mask and a gimp.

Gordon