BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALADTOPIC 1

Skin: I just watched a cool CNN piece on what archaeologists are finding in the forgotten ancient Mayan city of Mirador. The Mayan calendar ends in 2012, marking that year as the end of the world. My ancient calendar says the cataclysmic event that starts the undoing is the November 2009 release of the sure-to-suck, end-of-the-world thriller '2012.'

Ben: Mirador? Isn't that the Navy base with the Top Gun Academy? That's cool that CNN is there. I can't wait to see Larry King and Wolf Blitzer playing volleyball with their shirts off. Further, I was shocked to hear that John Cusack was able to steal Tugg Speedman's role in Scorcher 7: 2012.

Skin: Wolf Blitzer is a great name for a character in a cartoon about animals that play football. Not sure that it screams "reputable newsman," however. I'm fine with most things in this world, but I draw the line at cartoons that feature talking animals living in the suburbs that have other non-talking animals as pets. That's just way too confusing.

Ben: I'm so excited about that new animal-football cartoon you're hyping up. I can't wait to see the crazy high jinks that Turtle Sackallower and House Cat Turnovermaker get into. And the news that they report. And other stuff. What?

TOPIC 2

Ben: I hear the Mavs' 2010 D-League team is gonna have open tryouts next year. American Idol serves as indisputable evidence that many of us are completely out of touch with our own reality, which means that these tryouts will be extremely entertaining. They should film it all, complete with a judge's panel that features both an extremely British person and anyone from Journey.

Skin: Open tryouts are the wave of the future. Or is that supposed to be the "way of the future?" I hope it's not the wave, because the wave's future burned out around the time of the Reunion Rowdies, so that means there is no future. That's unnerving. That might explain why everything futuristic just seems to be mod pastiche – which should be a nice fit for the British D-League coach. And also why Star Wars took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Ben: Can you imagine how different Star Wars would've been had it taken place in current-day Mesquite? Better yet, can you imagine if they hadn't had an open casting call for that movie? If Bigfoot wouldn't have auditioned to play Chewbacca, I'm not sure any of it would have been believable. BTW, the Mayans insisted that Mark Hamill would be a bigger post-Star Wars success than Harrison Ford.

Skin: That's because the Mayan calendar skips June 1, 1978 – also known as the day before Corvette Summer was released – and picks back up on May 22, 2008, which is the day we were blessed with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I think under those parameters, they made a pretty solid prediction.

TOPIC 3

Skin: All this talk of uncertain futures has me wondering what the future holds for us. Will we die here, while typing this insanely ungrounded column with the uncertain backdrop of our continued radio unemployment mocking us and our families? Will we ever stand up to the bullying backdrops that mock us? Will we ever bully mock-ups that drop back and play stand-up? The possibilities are endless. Care to make an official prediction?

Ben: I predict that one of us becomes obnoxiously over-Mayan in the coming weeks and beats the other one down with never-ending prophecy propaganda. If that pays well and comes with benefits, I hope it's me. If not, I hope a random Mayan millionaire loans me a large sum of money with the stipulation that if any of us see 2013, I don't owe a penny.

Skin: I predict that your predictions will initially be met with ridicule and disbelief. But I also predict that when we're all dead by 2013, you won't owe anyone anything, and you'll have the last laugh, but only if you're the last person to die. I also predict none of that will matter, because neither one of us will live to see this Thanksgiving ... on purpose.

Ben: You're starting to creep out my relatives. Mainly because they love Thanksgiving and don't want you to ruin a fine meal of food with another of your murder-suicide threats. The future is a funny thing, Skin. Unless you're a flux-capacitor salesman or a talented warlock, it's almost impossible to predict. Who besides a Mayan Top Gun pilot in the D League could've ever predicted that a couple of clowns like us would have ever been permitted to publish such an insane column?

Skin: What's that Green Day song that makes me cry?

Follow the guys at twitter.com/benandskin.

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