BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALADTOPIC 1

Skin: I just saw a headline on a gossip rag that read something like "Lohan is 23, looks like she's 43." I kind of know the feeling. I'm speeding through my 30s, look 55, but have a 15-year-old's acne. Her diet must include Proactiv, 'cause I'm tore up, but missed out on the infamous drugged-up-celeb part of that equation.

Ben: Lohan was recently voted "most fun to go to rehab with" in a fake poll that never happened. Internet folklore seems to indicate that it's almost impossible not to wake up with her at some point if your rehab stint coincides with hers. It might be difficult to perfectly time your addiction and subsequent intervention with one of her meltdowns, but it might be worth it for the rare shot to date a true Hollywood starlet.

Skin: She's the female Dirk Diggler – always doing karate and wanting to prove to her mom how talented she is ... er, uhh, was. Her career trajectory is so confusing and convoluted. I know she was in a Tina Fey movie at some point. Or maybe I'm thinking of Tracy Morgan. I'm pretty sure she's part of the reality-train-wreck circuit. I think she's dating a herm named Gastineau Hogan who is actually the stepdaughter of Bruce Jenner.

Ben: I love the Olympics. Hey, do they still have gymnastics? What about a show about how hot former gymnasts are in momhood? I can't wish could not do married but did not if could did you? Sorry, my words mouth talk can't.

TOPIC 2

Ben: I never considered that a giant, shiny, homemade flying-saucer-like balloon getting loose and potentially putting a scared 6-year-old boy in peril's way some 5,000 feet in the air, while every TV station in the country breaks into programming to cover it, might have just been a publicity stunt. But now that I have, I'm building a giant, shiny, homemade flying-saucer-like balloon with a Ben & Skin logo on it while training my kids not to talk to CNN.

Skin: I figured it was one of those viral-marketing stunt things to promote the DVD release of 'Up.' Do you remember the one where the Russian guy went crazy and started tearing up his office? Don't recall what that was for – maybe vodka, or Rosetta Stone or something

Ben: Speaking of the War of the Rosettas, have you seen Kathleen Turner lately? She looks amazingly like Brian Dennehy. Man, getting old sucks. I mean ... for other people. It's easier for me. I've looked terrible for years.

Skin: Dude – I've been watching her on Californication and it's impossible to believe that she was once a major sex symbol.

You probably just offended Brian Dennehy. And probably even Ned Beatty, for no other reason than I read that he's sensitive

and easily offended. Plus, she has sandpaper voice. Her re-emergence has made William Hurt realize his own mortality, even though he fancies himself the "messianic one" of the Big Chill posse.

TOPIC 3

Skin: That doggie benefit – "Pooch Prom" – that we stumbled upon last Sunday at Lee Harvey's was so bizarre. That overzealous lab got more action humping my leg than I got at my prom. And isn't it lonely and empty enough to go to a bar in

the first place than to also bring your nonhuman companion?

Ben: You shouldn't be surprised about suffering another dog-based leg-humping. That's what you get for wearing those strange fake-dog-fur pants in public. I meant to throw a can of paint on you as a show of my rage, but I was distracted by dogs and stuff.

Skin: I was distracted by that dog painting a picture of those other dogs playing poker. I was also distracted by the presence of the '70s soft-core character Emmanuelle, who was there with a German shepherd. I should have asked her to prom.

Ben: According to recent science, there has never been an unattractive woman named Emmanuelle. The only drawback to the name is that you have to star in grainy erotic films with ridiculously unrealistic premises. I can't wait to see the new Emmanuelle Lohan rehab movie, where she's probing Bowflex-model-like aliens in their balloon spaceship, but all they really want is for Kathleen Turner to get all of those giant eggs out of that swimming pool before Steve Guttenberg whips them to death with stories of how he could've been Tom Hanks.

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