BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALADTOPIC 1

Ben: I usually hate it when tennis happens in general, but what I hate even more is when a great tennis match is decided by a fragile, frumpy line judge who can't handle getting dog-cussed on national TV by an angry woman who has the same body as DeMarcus Ware.

Skin: I heard a rumor during the Ohio State-USC game about that, but my normal sources – Americans who love football – knew nothing of it. Apparently, immediately following that alleged non-football-related sports incident, Kanye bum-rushed the podium and said, "That ol' Taylor Swift-looking tennis chick didn't deserve the match."

Ben: I can't believe Kanye pulled more of his patented public-drama crybaby crap. He made fun of himself for that exact behavior on SNL. You would assume that type of nationally televised self-deprecation would have signaled the end of that tired act. The next time he goes to that well, I hope he falls into it and breaks both legs. Further, I hope Kathy Bates is the one who discovers him and subsequently hides him in her snow house for eternity.

Skin: Whoa, an eternity doing blow with Kathy Bates – that's a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone. Except Jack Nicholson. I could actually see him embracing that. I think we've done a good job of covering tennis this week. Lord knows it deserves the shine.

TOPIC 2

Skin: I've always been a big fan of Ellen DeGeneres. As far as mainstream lesbian comedians go, she's my favorite. I think she has a chance to make American Idol significantly better, though I heard Kanye bum-rushed the press conference and said, "She's no Wanda Sykes."

Ben: I love Ellen, too. I caught her "trial run" on So You Think You Can Dance and she was pure greatness, as always. These latest roster moves leave Randy Jackson as the lone remaining dumb person on the panel. I hope they replace him with a lifelike wax version of himself that comes with a pull string to activate all six of his sayings.

Skin: The crazy thing is that he's more high-profile at this moment than anyone else who has ever been in Journey, though I hear Ross Valory has a shot to be the new Bachelor. I also heard that So You Think You Can Dance will have an REO Speedwagon theme this year. Which reminds me, I've never liked anyone who liked Styx.

Ben: Have you noticed how Steve Perry is acting all Filipino-like lately? It's even more over-the-top than Madonna's fake British accent. He's fully committed to it. He's like the Kirk Lazarus of roller-rink music. It's actually quite impressive.

TOPIC 3

Ben: I saw the movie Whiteout over the weekend and found it to be a rock-solid thriller. Based on the reviews over at rottentomatoes.com, I appear to be in the minority. IMO, a panties-clad Kate Beckinsale won an Oscar in the first five minutes of the flick, when she stepped in front of a low-hanging camera to turn the water on in a shower. It could have been a death-metal musical about mathematics after that. I still would've loved it.

Skin: A thriller about the making of Liquid Paper? I didn't realize it was a thrilling story. I knew the part about Michael Nesmith's mom making it in her kitchen before he went on to start the Monkees, but I can't imagine that constitutes an entire feature-length film. Did they get Mike Myers to play Davy Jones?

Ben: But see, what was the Liquid Paper covering up? What mistake were they hiding and why? I mean, that's the genius of the screenplay you just wrote. I think you should cast the wax version of Randy Jackson in the leading role.

Skin: Problem is, I wrote it in Liquid Paper so it's pretty difficult to read. But that process did inspire me to go back and write a video treatment for "Daydream Believer." Kate Beckinsale plays a secret agent – code name Sleepy Jean – who poses as a homecoming queen. There's an extended shower scene at the beginning that ends up lasting the whole video. Then, right before Nancy Allen dumps a bucket of Liquid Paper on Sissy Spacek, Kanye bursts in and claims that the Monkees are no Jimi Hendrix Experience.

Follow the guys at twitter.com/benandskin.

Print