BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALADTOPIC 1

Ben: Outside of my kids and quantum physics, fantasy football is the only thing I truly seem to care about. If I would just pretend that my unemployment is a fantasy-job-interview league, perhaps I could get off the schneid. The job I'm most qualified for is anything that involves managing my wife. She'd be so average without my awesome micromanagement skills.

Skin: I just don't have time to get in a fantasy football league, because I'm already committed to a Dungeons and Dragons Tabloid Stars Mash-Up League. I'd quit, but I'm the dungeon master of some pretty ill ongoing campaigns right now, including a rather tasty adventure in which a dude has turned the Octomom into a most impressive Paladin with a monster constitution.

Ben: Didn't Sarah Paladin quit politics to manage her husband's snow-softball team or something? People in my fantasy political league will be quick to tell you that I suck at politics. Schwarzenegger is the only elected official I trust, and that's only because he's a robot.

Skin: She'd be a solid pickup for your divorce pool. I know this because of the extensive research I've done in the tabloids so that I may be the most competent dungeon master possible. That has led my wife to also be a solid candidate to take a swim through the divorce pool. She doesn't respect me, Ben.

TOPIC 2

Skin: Yet another of Oprah's cronies has a TV show – Dr. Mehmet Oz. I'm generally against most things spawned from Oprah's Universe,

but I like this dude because he implores you to admire your own "deuce." That reminds me of the first time I flunked out of college.

Back then, we'd have floor competitions to see who could produce the biggest beast. The most impressive entries (or outries) would be left floating for months.

Ben: My 4-year-old rolls like that, but not on purpose. Unless, of course, he's just gangsta like that. It is a power play, for sure. Nothing intimidates your loved ones quite like a record-setting toilet catfish. As your poor ol' pop reads about your college-log-competition tales, I'm sure he has absolutely no regrets about throwing that hard-earned money away. I remember the time I told my parents that I used to relax in a hammock at Texas Tech when I was failing out there. They never recovered from me sharing that.

Skin: My dad is prouder of me as an unemployed failed broadcaster than he ever was when I was an undereducated failed student. I know, because he told me so via carrier pigeon. God, that's an impressive bird, Ben. So dedicated, so committed, yet it knows it's involved in an extremely inefficient form of communication. It's nothing at all like the owl, which is aloof and distant. But wise, Ben. Owls are very wise.

Ben: What do owls taste like? They sound delicious. Are they still the state bird of Harvard? Man, I'm so confused about everything.

Maybe it's because I only studied hammocks in college. So did you at least go on and carve out a lucrative toilet-art career? If so, I'll buy

some of your stuff when you die. If you die on a toilet, I'll pay double.

TOPIC 3

Ben: I know there are plenty of Bear Grylls haters out there, but you clowns need to check yourselves. This dude is a man-beast, the likes of which we've never seen. He makes Les Stroud look like a common plumber. If you were going to have a reality show called Skin vs. ______, what would you be going up against? Mine would be Ben vs. Health, and I would carefully approach chicken nuggets like Grylls approaches scorpion meat.

Skin: Mine would probably be Skin vs. Ben's TiVo, in which I'd have to navigate the tricky terrain of the phony survivalist shows and Roadhouse sequels clogging up your DVR. I do like your idea of televising a jar fight between chicken nuggets and scorpion meat. There's money to be made in bizarre square-offs. You're on to something.

Ben: I hope giant aliens never put me in a massive jar to fight for my life against Bear Grylls. I'm fairly certain he'd gut me and

sleep inside my carcass to stay warm before scaling out of the jar the following morning.

Skin: Either that or he'd put you up in the Four Seasons, where you and a large film crew would eat gourmet food while playing cards and running up pay-per-view charges. It's harsh out there in the posh wilderness.

Compare hammock activities and 10-sided dice techniques with the guys at twitter.com/benandskin.

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