BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALADTOPIC 1

Ben: Results from a recent CareerBuilder survey show that almost half of all employers utilize social-networking sites to screen potential employees. This is troubling news for unemployed people who love to post unfiltered, razor-sharp opinions on everything that ever happened while sitting on the patio.

Skin: I bet that other half uses social-networking sites for stringing together random sexual encounters in public bathrooms. The next time I log back on FB, I imagine there'll be a request to join the group "I'm an Unemployed Person Who Loves to Post Unfiltered, Razor-Sharp Opinions on Everything That Ever Happened While Sitting on the Patio." And I'll immediately join, seeing as I'm in the group "I Join Every Group on Facebook."

Ben: I would never hire you because of your involvement in that group. BTW, too many people showcase their weird card on FB. I've been noticing more psychos, which is why I started a new group called, "No, Your Weird, Serial-Killer-Style Profile Pic and Overall Creepy Vibe Are Not Making Me Uneasy, But I'm Walking Away From Facebook Forever Now, and Please Don't Try to Contact Me."

Skin: The only thing I get out of Facebook is that it's my only way to keep up with Tim Cowlishaw. I do that by being FB friends with someone named "Stalk Cowlishaw." Incidentally, Around the Horn is my only way to keep up with Jackie MacMullan, who was great in Role Models and The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

TOPIC 2

Skin: I just saw a story on CNN about the 20 million bats that live in a crazy bat cave in Austin, and I'm thinking to myself,

"Sweet damn, CNN anchor Betty Nguyen is really freakin' hot." I love watching the news.

Ben: Crazy coincidence. I was just watching Bear Grylls try to catch and eat a raw bat in a bat cave as you were making that newswoman uncomfortable with your facial expression. At the exact same time, my 4-year-old son was outlining a plan in his young mind to wear a Batman costume forever. Meanwhile, the Rangers' bats remain mostly quiet. In related news, the Beastie Boys used to love to rap about whiffle-ball bats. Back to you.

Skin: Spooky dawg! That's who Randy Jackson from American Idol is going as for Halloween. I think it was Euripides, or some other heavily voweled Greek from olden times, who predicted that the end of days would be preceded by a 20 million-deep bat ascension "on the grounds where Ricky Williams puffed." He went on to prophesize that a hot CNN oracle would deliver the news.

Ben: I like it when the oracle bakes me cookies and pretends not to know that I'll eat all of them. Speaking of eating, I was thinking about going as Euripides this Halloween, but too many people confuse the costume with Kris Kristofferson.

TOPIC 3

Ben: I love that new traffic laws are going into effect to keep turbo-stupid, triple-fake-bulletproof teens from driving and texting. Only experienced adult stunt drivers like me and Hooper should be allowed to do that. Now, you dumb kids, get off my lawn and

pull your pants up over your underwear.

Skin: I haven't seen that story yet because I don't think Betty Nguyen reported it. Are you saying that adult women are allowed to drive and text? Good Lord, if that's the case, then highways are total death traps.

Ben: I have confidence in one person behind the wheel: me. Everyone else sucks at driving and is a danger to themselves, others and themselves – in that order. I can make a sandwich, text you this entire column with perfect punctuation and change into a wet suit all while jumping 18 school buses in a riding lawn mower painted to look like the General Lee.

Skin: I think our readers would appreciate us abandoning this column altogether and instead running a full-page picture from the Ben Rogers Wet Suit Collection every week.

Ben and Skin's editor would like to challenge that "perfect punctuation" thing. Follow the guys at twitter.com/benandskin.

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