BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALADTOPIC 1

Skin: I'm in the Catch-22 of actually having time to vacation ('cause I was let go from my previous gig) but not having any money to vacation ('cause I was let go from my previous gig). So my wife suggested we road-trip to the North Padre/Corpus area with the kids. The Internet says that it's the best place to build petroleum castles with Shaq-sized mosquitoes. Any tips on how to wiggle out of this one?

Ben: Tell your wife to get a job to help pay for it (that magic always seems to work for me). But when that fails, Bear Grylls tells me that you can survive for three days on nothing but mosquito meat. You could take your family to that new discount theme park in Matamoros. I think it's called Cartel Land. They retired the donkey, so it's way more family-friendly now.

Skin: I highly recommend you catch Matamoros Mosquito Meat Market live. I'd have never thought a drum machine, cello, tuba and ukulele could crank out such potent techno covers of the Billy Joel catalog. I saw 'em open for Padre Petroleum Peter Puddy, and it was a really strong night of music.

Ben: Since your wife started selling my wife on the affordability and greatness of Padre, I've countered by telling my wife about the amazing view of scenic Central Expressway from the plush Como Motel in Richardson. We're planning a big, first-class getaway soon. She's so excited. She loves traffic.

TOPIC 2

Ben: I recently bought a cheap rock hammer, put up a Raquel Welch poster and tunneled out of my family's full-court press to take in the new sci-fi thriller District 9. It was well worth the sewer journey. I haven't been this pleased with a movie experience since seeing Slumdog Millionaire. Come to think of it, D9 had slums in it, too. Oh, dear. Maybe I have a slum fetish.

Skin: The reviews I read of D9 made it out to be some commentary on the dread of difference. Which reminded me of how ridiculous Mandy Patinkin looked in Alien Nation. And how ridiculous James Caan acted in it. By the way, have you checked out Caan, Khan or Montalban? Pretty good roots-reggae-metal band doing Simon and Garfunkel covers.

Ben: James Caan had so much promise ... in the '70s. What happened? Since his Sonny Corleone days, I can't think of anything else that he's done that I like, with the exception of Bottle Rocket. Yet I still consider him one of the greatest actors alive. Am I way off base?

Skin: Yes. Yes, you are. Robert De Niro once told me there's more to acting than clenching your jaw. He never told Jimmy Caan that. Caan told me to tell De Niro that there's more to acting than tilting your head to one side and nodding while squinting your eyes when you deliver your lines.

I hate that those two won't talk anymore. I know it made Brando sad.

TOPIC 3

Skin: I've about had my fill of Woodstock nostalgia. Boring. Let it go, already. Big deal, a bunch of pasty hippies dropped acid and had orgies in the mud while Joe Cocker contorted his body and knocked out a Ringo cover. Overrated, yo! Swap out Tripping Daisy for Cocker and you have an event not much different than every other weekend in Denton in the early '90s.

Ben: I agree. In fact, I'll go as far as saying the Billy Bob Thornton movie Mr. Woodcock was better than Woodstock. My phone cut out. What were you saying about great porn-star names? I can't decide if Seann William Scott is good. He was solid in Role Models, but his three-first-names bit is a life-force vacuum. Could Slumdog Millionaire still have been successful with Steve Stifler's character in it?

Skin: I think I'm OK with him. He kind of ended up having the best career of all those American Pie alums. Tara Reid's plastic surgeon has done more than she has with about the same level of competence. Jason Biggs was that generation's version of Gedde Watanabe. I had extremely high hopes for Shannon Elizabeth and her body, but I think she's a reality poker dancer now. And Eugene Levy is dead to me.

Ben: Wow, that's harsh. You raced right past the opportunity to compare Biggs to Dustin Diamond, and tragically minimized him all the way into Long Duk Dong with just a few key strokes. Turns out Shannon Elizabeth's only real talent was taking her shirt off. Just like David Hasselhoff.

Follow Ben and Skin at twitter.com/benandskin.

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