BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALADTOPIC 1

Ben: Hear about the ongoing beef between Mariah and Eminem? No? Lucky you. She released a song and video called "Obsessed," making him out to be a cross between Eric Roberts in Star 80 and Mark Wahlberg in Fear. Slim Shady responded with a vicious song called "The Warning," in which he warns her to drop it unless she wants him to publish nude photos, personal recordings, etc. Meanwhile, Nick Cannon is getting loose for the super-triple-light, extra-featherweight, let's-act-mad-but-ask-our-larger-friends-to-hold-us-back, red-carpet dirty-look match.

Skin: If she trusted Slim Shady to snap her naked, then I'd imagine everyone she's ever known owns some five-octave nude candids. If this turns into that kind of party, then Tommy Mottola, Puffy and Busta Bust need to get their hard drives in the mix. Nick Cannon is a genius porn name, by the way.

Ben: I also like Candy Slamworthy, Bang Hammerthang and Ima Airplanehanger. I've always appreciated the fact that no one can wear their jeans tighter than Mariah. That and the fact that she knows how to make stripper stilettos look classy in church.

Skin: True, but she's the only person capable of over-singing in church. I caught a sermon she was in one time, and the Holy Ghost leaned over and said, "Would someone mind telling that classy stripper to tone it down a bit? God gave her that voice, she needs to quit throwing it at him."

TOPIC 2

Skin: Do you think the average American cares more about health-care reform or the fact that the president wanted to beer up with Professor Gates and Sgt. Crowley? Why was that such a big deal? Lots of folks settle

their disputes over some magic barley and hops. Gotta admit I was let down when Obama went with a light domestic brew. But I also understand that the outcry over not buying American would have been too fierce.

Ben: Obeerma, and his seemingly careful choice of Bud Light, still managed to upset ass-clowns who overanalyze everything he does, because the company was sold to a Belgian brewer last year. How many times per week do you think he defeatedly rests his head in his hands and wonders internally what the hell he's gotten himself into? Just like Nick Cannon.

Skin: Wait a minute. You're telling me he gave good, watered-down American money to an overseas company that makes a facsimile of what was once a proud, watered-down American light beer? That's outrageous. I'm furious. Somebody get Glenn Beck on the phone. The president needs to be held accountable for this international debacle.

Ben: I'm so outraged by all of this that I plan on burning all of my beer in protest. Wait, what am I angry about again? Oh, yeah. Belgians. Damn them.

TOPIC 3

Ben: A sizable portion of a popular Cancun beach was recently shut down following accusations that it contained "stolen sand." Sounds like an absolute nightmare in terms of gathering evidence. Reminds me of the time you shot-gunned wine coolers and unsuccessfully tried to shut down Six Flags for having "stolen sky." Also reminds me of the time Eminem got upset with Nick Cannon over what he perceived as "stolen silicone."

Skin: Or when there was a lawsuit brought against Hot Potato Salad by the citizens of Dallas for stealing their time. I actually don't mind a little theft when I'm the one doing the stealing. I've hit a rough financial patch, so I did what every good American would do in my shoes – I went garaging. I got a gang of weed-eaters I'm fixing to put on Craigslist, so holler if you want first crack.

Ben: It reminds me of prison to hear the words "crack" and "gang" in the same sentence, so I'll have to pass. But like every other Belgian-beer-buying American ex-con, I do appreciate a quality stolen weed-eater. I'm gonna set up a fake buy with you on Craigslist and steal those stolen weed-eaters by ambushing you in a secluded parking lot. Then I'll put those babies back up for bid on Craigslist with a 20 percent markup.

Skin: I didn't have time to read your last response, but I quickly glanced up and saw "I'll put those babies back up for bid on Craigslist," and I gotta say I do not want to test your gangsta. Dabbling in the human black market is a level of desperation even I'm afraid to wander in. But do let me know how it goes. I'm saying, though.

Follow Ben and Skin at twitter.com/benandskin.

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