Skin: Now that I find myself less-employed than I was a few weeks ago, I'm planning on contemplating perhaps thinking

about possibly considering the idea of pondering getting caught up on my reading. And that means taking on 85-year-old Gloria Vanderbilt's new erotica tale Obsession. It's gone from a fragrance for horny men to a racy novel for horny grandmas. She's apparently writing what she knows, which is cool. I suspect she'll follow it up with a plastic surgery handbook.

Ben: I hear the crusty upper-crust turbo diva aggressively brandishes her senior citizen superfreak card in this new shocking secret corner-of-her-mind fictitious truth unveiler. Rumor has it that she even went as far as detailing a scenario that involves a fresh garden carrot being deployed in the most ungreat-grandmotherly of ways. Note to women closing in on 90: Yeah, all we're really looking for here is cookies and $5 birthday checks, not Penthouse letters and porn screenplays. But thanks for the hustle.

Skin: I can't believe you're looking for anything from 90-year-olds. I don't mind them getting freaky in the garden if that's what it takes to keep 'em relevant. What else are they good for? If their long-winded over-detailed meandering anecdotes end up going all Last Tango in Paris, then bring it on, Grandma. By the way, cucumber is an underrated sandwich necessity.

Ben: Do you still do yard work in those Gloria Vanderbilt designer-jean Daisy Dukes just to tease your elderly neighbors? That's crazy hot. BTW, you should go online and find the audio of Vanderbilt reading a super-steamy excerpt from the book to her grandkids. It's not weird at all.

TOPIC 2

Ben: Amy Winehouse appears to be the latest celebrity making plans to launch her own fragrance line. I was unaware that British meth farts represented such a coveted neckline aroma. I wonder if she'll simultaneously launch a new line of dental veneers for people who want that "my pimp just punched me in the mouth" look.

Skin: I like that the headline brings Jewel into the Winehouse equation. They both are the most unlikely spokespeople for orthodontics. I wonder if Winehouse will ever put out another great record. I still give Back to Black solid burn. I just fear she's relegated to hawking perfumes that smell like Gloria Vanderbilt's garden carrots.

Ben: Jewel is insanely hot right up to the point that she gets up to the side of your boat and tries to take a bite out of the chum-covered pot roast you have tied up to lure the sharks to the camera. I want to hear the next Winehouse record like I want to be mauled by a giant tarantula.

Skin: Whoa. When is Mauled by a Giant Tarantula coming out? That sounds really good. I hope Lorenzo Lamas is the villain this time. And if we're lucky, Winehouse isn't too drugged up to miss another golden soundtrack opportunity. Boffo! 3 ½ stars!

TOPIC 3

Skin: The Mavs just signed journeyman forward Drew Gooden, who brings to town a history of wild beards. As you know, I've often dipped my toe in the "shaved dome/questionable facial hair" pool, but I certainly don't have his pedigree when it comes to that combo. He sometimes looks like Common taking on the Morgan Spurlock Super Size Me diet.

Ben: Dude is the Van Gogh of facial hair art, for sure. He is to goatees what Chris "Birdman" Anderson is to tornado-like gel-mullets. I'd dip my toe in the facial hair arena myself, but my face is made of baby ass. I'm closing in on 40, and I couldn't out- peach-fuzz a seventh-grader to save my life. If I could I would definitely go with an Adam Morrison-like Nightstalker-style lip sweater.

Skin: I always found your face diapers slightly off-putting. And you shouldn't bring up Birdman while we're discussing Gooden. He was also a free agent, and I think many Mavs fans way preferred his unique Wu-Tang vs. the Stray Cats look. I find it interesting that Birdman hired Jason "White Chocolate" Williams as his dialect coach for a profession that requires no dialect coach.

Ben: I'd be more than happy to wear a fake beard as a show of Gooden support unless you think that might be awkward and insincere. I typically only wear fake beards when I go inside banks or speak figuratively about my marriage. What were you saying about Gloria Vanderbilt's new erotic pamphlet about elderly tarantulas?

Follow Ben and Skin at twitter.com/benandskin.