BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALADTOPIC 1

Ben: My inside sources at some Web site I just found tell me Paula Abdul may not be back for the upcoming season of American Idol. Abdul is the closest thing in real life to Brick Tamland, and having her as a judge of anything makes less sense than any other human concept on record. Scientists who don't exist speculate that her feedback was never actually understood by anyone other than Anna Nicole Smith.

Skin: Man, that's the worst entertainment news since whatever the last news was about Jim J. Bullock. I'm surprised I didn't see that story, since I've been on the 'Net every waking minute trying to find any glimpse I can of the "Erin Andrews Peephole" video. Celebrity nudity has got us all in a vise. There's all manner of easily accessed, well-produced, well-lit Internet porn, and yet I'm oversurfing the Web to see grainy video of an unknowing, unidentifiable Andrews reflected off of a funhouse mirror.

Ben: Maybe it takes us back to our youth, when we'd try to catch a glimpse of Bo Derek's fine work in 10 on the scrambled pay-per-view channel. We should start a funhouse mirror channel and only run scrambled Dudley Moore films and celebrity sex tapes. But only the sex tapes that stupid celebrities purposely make available. In Andrews' case, I feel sorry for her. A peephole camera is twisted beyond belief. I suspect the criminals who violated her privacy will soon be introduced to jailhouse-security-camera sex tapes.

Skin: I'm sorry; I just read what you wrote through a hotel peephole, so it was kind of a mess. But I'll assume you're suggesting a jailhouse-peephole Web cam for inmates who like Dudley Moore. And I gotta say – that's a fascinating direction.

TOPIC 2

Skin: Last weekend was huge for older hots. They had the Mary Kay Convention downtown, and I also stumbled upon an unbelievable MILF convention at the Nokia in Grand Prairie. Only downer was that there were tons of little kids there. But the people in charge were smart enough to put on a live Dora the Explorer show to keep all those kids entertained.

Ben: Why are you always creeping out the nice ladies ? Can't they just enjoy a terrible cartoon musical that sucks two never-to-be-seen-again hours out of the universe like a black hole without you showing them the facial expression you'll use if you ever get the opportunity to lower lotion down to them in your basement well?

Skin: No way, dude. I never let them see that face until they're actually in my well. Ruins the surprise. But MILFs love to be looked at. It's what they live for, actually. I believe the term is "hunting." Or so the Web says. Not sure whether that's a reliable source.

Ben: Only as much as Ron Jeremy is a reliable source when it comes to buying a mattress.

TOPIC 3

Ben: "Numb thumb" is a trendy new physical ailment that millions of text junkies are suffering. I actually prefer this exciting, arthritis-sparking condition to the more common disorder caused by painful small-talk on a telephone – "indifferent brain."

Skin: I was told by my doctor that the pinched nerve in my neck was probably caused by the terrible posture I've developed from spending my time hunched over a keyboard, laptop or celly. So I immediately sent him a text message telling him to "suck it," because he knows nothing about me, man.

Ben: The last time a doctor checked my posture, he threw up blood, used it to write "Quasimodo" on the wall and then died of shock. By the way, how many nice women have you creeped out in the waiting room of a doctor's office? Do you just fake-read upside-down magazines while you stare at them nervously without blinking?

Skin: No, I'm up-front and let them know that I'm not blinking because I sliced off my eyelids so that I'd never have to miss their beauty. And then I yell "Huh?" after they move their lips, and I tell them I can't hear what they're saying, because my gig as cathedral bell ringer had rendered me deaf. That puts them right at ease.

Follow Ben and Skin at twitter.com/benandskin.

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