BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALAD

Ben: I've decided to make one last Hail Mary attempt at getting in shape, Skin. I plan on spending the next few months reducing the jello-blub in my Jabba body. Since you will most certainly be one of my VIP pallbearers, I'm sure you'll appreciate the effort. If you don't see improvement in me, you'll need to start doing coffin lifts ASAP.

Skin: Is being a pallbearer an honor? Especially in Texas in the summer. It has more of a penalty vibe to me. Kind of like, "Hey, sorry I inconveniently died and forced you to wear a dark suit in July. And by the way, while you're sweating ass and really uncomfortable, how'd you like to lift this giant heavy box of dead weight? Because we were such good friends." If you're gonna die, an October demise works better for me.

Ben: You make great points with your word talk. I wouldn't ask a good friend to help me move for many of the same brutal reasons you listed. I'm going to make sure that my will states that professional movers are the only ones allowed to handle my coffin. To make it interesting, I'm also going to have them move my coffin in and out of a third-floor apartment in the Village on the day of my funeral.

Skin: Trust me when I tell you that all the people I still hang out with at the Village are excited about your new workout program. Especially the construction worker. From what I hear, he had a nasty spat with the Indian. But as always, they settled it with the Navy seaman. I have no idea if I spelled that right.

Skin: Has the art of nicknames just completely fallen off the map? The Mavs are pursuing a dude known as "the Polish Hammer." It's their worst pursuit from a moniker standpoint since they traded for Erick Dampier, "the Apathetic American." And that's the worst nickname since I got stuck with the handle of "Skin."

Ben: Damp has better nicknames than that. You're forgetting "the Disenchanted Space Taker," "I Make David LaFleur's Hands Look Like Drew Pearson's" and "the Mostly Expressionless Stander/Pass Dropper." "The Polish Hammer" sounds like the Warsaw underground-porn market's equivalent to "Logjammin'."

Skin: Speaking of Poland, how hard has Lech Walesa fallen off? I don't think he's done anything since the "Man in the Mirror" video. Communism was definitely bad and stuff. I wonder if anyone wants a do-over on Russia being scary? I'm so glad Red Dawn wasn't a documentary. And speaking of the '80s, Red Dawn Chong was so frickin' hot in Soul Man.

Ben: Wasn't Soul Man a documentary about Ponyboy's experience at Southeast Oklahoma Tech Baptist? At some point, he clearly stopped caring about the hospital-bed promise he made to the Karate Kid about staying gold.

Ben: Every time Joe Biden speaks, I get the feeling Obama is cringing and watching through his hands somewhere, like we might if one of our wives got drunk, took her bra off and vomited Patrón on an important client during a corporate breakfast outing.

Skin: I don't know about that Biden thing, but that story about your wife is really doing it for me. I want to be that important client. Actually, the idea of putting my foot in Biden's mouth machine is really doing it for me, too. God, I love politics. You sad about Palin resigning?

Ben: Hopefully she'll be back soon, or my new APILF Web site is going to die for sure. There are only so many attractive Alaskan politicians. I recently sunk my life's savings into three important ventures: that Web site, a hunch I have that the VCR industry is about to bounce back, and a new coffin-moving business I plan on marketing to people with friends who hate being inconvenienced by heavy lifting, heat and formal wear.

Skin: Alaska sucks. Unless you're a pallbearer. That's a good place to remember the dead by lifting them. My top five Alaskans are Palin, Carlos Boozer, Trajan Langdon, Nanook of the North and the gay seal in the Village People.

Follow Ben and Skin at twitter.com/benandskin.