BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALAD

TOPIC 1

Skin: The Gloved One has passed away, Ben. And after a weekend of watching nothing but Michael Jackson videos, the one thing that jumped out at me was that I had completely forgotten how bangin' Lisa Marie Presley's booty was in the "You Are Not Alone" video. Holy crap, that's some respectable junk. Elvis really was a miracle maker.

Ben: It was a crazy week to be a celebrity. Hollywood had a real Thunderdome vibe. If I was a celebrity, I would've checked into a hospital merely as a precaution and waited for things to blow over. The weirdest part had to be the bizarre Twitter-fueled Jeff Goldblum death hoax. First, there was the shock that he was alive, and then you had to try to process the fact that he's played the same weird character in everything he's ever been in.

Skin: Hold up. I'm so confused. How long has Jeff Goldblum been alive? He was so money opposite Cyndi Lauper in Vibes. Is that cinematic gem in your late-night-bad-flick-because-you-can't-sleep rotation?

Ben: I don't remember Vibes. Were Harold and Kumar in it? If so, then yes, I watch it every night. BTW, Neil Patrick Harris is genius in the H&K dynasty. Did I say "dynasty?" Yes. Will I stand by that statement? What? Those movies are both really terrible and almost good – all at the same time.

TOPIC 2

Ben: Every time a pit bull mauls someone, hundreds of pit bull owners suddenly appear to blame the attack on the media, and say that they trust the vilified breed enough to raise babies in their mouths. The real issue isn't the breed as much as it is the hillbillies with rickety fences who own them.

Skin: I love conspiracies that blame the media. As if bad stuff wouldn't happen if Shaun Rabb wasn't there doing a stand-up, sporting a flavorful hat. Fox 4 has a dope haberdasher, by the way. I'm most amused by the "cockers are more likely to bite you than a pit bull" argument. That's like saying you're more likely to get stabbed than lit up by an automatic machine gun, so quit trippin' if your hood is armed like the Middle East.

Ben: I think pit bull owners should be held responsible for the bloodshed that their pit lions inflict. It's cool if you want to pretend that your land shark is harmless, but if it snaps and tries to eat a family, you should pack light for Lew Sterrett. Was it you who was telling me about a dream you had where Mike Doocy was beating the heat by playing in a Shaun Rabb hat sprinkler? Your brain is weird.

Skin: That's no dream, Ben Rogers. That's a musical I'm writing that parodies Fox 4 News and Bugsy Malone called Freaky Fedora Friday. It's got action, adventure and tons of live stand-ups outside pit bull farms. Scott Baio's got nothing on Doocy, know what I mean?

TOPIC 3

Skin: South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's staff said he was off hiking the Appalachian Trail when he went AWOL for a week. The truth was actually weirder, when he spilled the beans about an affair with an Argentine woman that culminated in him spending five days "crying in Argentina." What a buzzkill when someone cries for days after sex.

Ben: My dad cried for five days when someone told him I wanted to be a rapper. It's ridiculous to think that Sanford had a real shot to be president in 2012 since he's such a terrible liar. Every time he said he was off hiking, we'd all know that he was up to no good. In researching this topic, I happily discovered the most unfortunate name in politics – House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio).

Skin: I feel bad for Republican politicians. Since they're the party of family values, it's always such a disaster whenever one of 'em gets caught sliding their foot under the stall at the gay airport. Or sending dirty texts to male teenage congressional pages. Clinton paved the way for Democrats to just smirk and say, "What? Did something get on a dress or something?"

Ben: In hindsight, times were pretty good back when the presidential DNA was the big story. Michael was alive and buying elephant-man mummies, the economy was raining hundred dollar bills and we weren't at war with pit bulls. It'd be nice if Clinton would pull a Brett Favre and come out of retirement to save us all from the swirling toilet bowl of despair.

Hear the guys on The Ben and Skin Show weekdays from 3 to 7 p.m. on 105.3 "The Fan." Follow them at twitter.com/benandskin. And read their bonus topic on QuickDFW.com.