BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALADTOPIC 1

Ben: Took a family trip to visit my wife's grandmother in a nursing home in Oklahoma City last weekend, and I'm still a bit shaken up. It felt eerily similar to a zombie flick. My wife's grandma still has it together, but the rest of her crew was highly questionable. One woman on a stretcher had two lazy eyes and smelled like a cemetery, and kept begging me to let her hold my 18-month-old. I thought I was going to have to fight my way out of there with a shotgun and some holy water.

Skin: Old people are such a buzzkill. Or is it roadkill? Maybe I'm getting that confused because buzzards are always circling them. What's the difference between a buzzard and a vulture? Don't ask an old person that question, unless you have a day and a half set aside for the answer.

Ben: Every person's room had a poster of Raquel Welch on the wall, and they were all asking me if Morgan Freeman had their new rock hammer yet. I was talking to this sad, lonely man, thinking he was fairly normal, when he started feverishly smelling his hands. Had I shaken his hand, I'm certain he would've stink-palmed me.

Skin: I had a buddy that worked at a retirement home as part of the community-service phase of his sentence, and he flipped that into a lucrative business opportunity selling stanky bud to the geriatric set. That kid's name was Mike Damone.

TOPIC 2

Skin: I just got an e-mail from our editor that we're supposed to present or judge or do lighting or something at Quick's Big Thing tomorrow night. I'm still not sure what it is, exactly. I think it's a benefit/telethon-type thing for Gordon Keith, so he's hosting it. Which, if you ask me, is like giving Dr. Kevorkian free rein to do whatever he feels is necessary during your vasectomy.

Ben: "Big Thing" is a perfectly simple name for something significant. That name tells me that this event will be huge. Is Gordon still pretending not to be Timibaster K. Aberogers? Last time I saw him, he was counting large amounts of foreign currency while showing a group of extremely attractive women how awesome his beard is. He has the best life of anyone I know.

Skin: I hope the music performances are as good as last year's – though I got so drunk off of Gordon's beard wine that I don't even recall any of it. Although I do remember that dude from Polyphonic rocking that 35-minute unaccompanied theremin solo. Talk about sexual tension. Not relating to the theremin solo, I'm just asking you to talk about sexual tension. You mind?

Ben: Isn't sexual tension what happens when the Internet is slow? I can't be sure anymore. For my wife, it appears to be that awkward 10-minute window before she falls asleep each night, when she has no idea if she's about to get cast in a Ron Jeremy film or be softly put to sleep in a powerful Dutch oven.

TOPIC 3

Ben: Did you see YouTube sensation Susan Boyle pull a Leon Lett and fumble away victory in Britain's Got Talent to Ali G's old dance posse from Staines? Apparently, she turned back into a pumpkin and reminded everyone that you can, in fact, judge a book entirely by its cover. In the wake of all this pub for the U.K., I've faxed Simon Cowell a proposal for a new reality dynasty I've cooked up, called Britain's Got Shark Teeth.

Skin: So you don't get enough of that gold here in the States that you're now browsing YouTube for all the international karaoke contests? I have to admit, it is really sad about that Monty Python chick not winning it all. Was she played by Michael Palin or Terry Jones?

Ben: I'm addicted to bad television. Make that bad pop culture. Actually, just make that bad everything. I'm addicted to bad, Skin. When someone sets out to create anything with the idea of marketing it to the dumbasses of the world, I'm typically ready to be first in line and spend money I don't have for whatever it is.

Skin: If you really are addicted to bad skin and don't wanna be, you should get your Proactiv on. According to its Web site, it's a "proven treatment for preventing your acne." And according to Vanessa Williams and Puff Diddy Combs Daddy, it'll help you preserve your sexy.

Hear the guys on The Ben and Skin Show weekdays from 3 to 7 p.m. on 105.3 "The Fan." Follow them at twitter.com/benandskin. And read their bonus topic on QuickDFW.com.

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