BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALAD

TOPIC 1: Montauk Monster and zombie ants

Skin: It was a kick-ass week for Dr. Moreau's waiting room. Another Montauk Monster carcass washed up on the shore in Long Island, and I also learned that South American flies are turning Texas fire ants into zombie ants. All this hype tends to lead to jealousy, and I guarantee you a Yeti somewhere is staging a comeback.

Ben: Skin, a Yeti is just a cold man's Wookiee. The Montauk Monster is just an ugly, hairless pit bull with goat face that doesn't know how to swim. El Chupacabra is just a wild boar that got a hold of some bad ecstasy. There are rational explanations for every mythical creature, with the exception of Oprah. She's an unstoppable virus that eats my TiVo memory.

Skin: Why are you debunking my DVD box set In Search of ... ? I noticed you didn't bring up Nessie. Scared? And honestly, I'm way more perplexed by the presence of Gayle on the American media landscape than Oprah. So, you thinking Pegasus or unicorn? Feel free to table-talk it.

Ben: Unicorns are to horses what Richard Simmons is to horses. I'm not sure what that means, but I do know that Bigfoot is faker than a perky cougar rack. Do you still have that weird framed picture you drew of Richard Simmons and Bigfoot riding a unicorn hanging over your bed?

TOPIC 2: Happy Rangers pants

Ben: I've suffered. I've watched some terrible baseball. I watched Chan Ho Park tear the back off of Tom Hicks' pants to steal his whale wallet. I've rooted for this team while the rest of baseball laughed at them ... and me. Yet I stayed on board like a loyal tool. And now my blind, humiliating loyalty is about to pay off. This team is Holyfield, bitches.

Skin: Well, if this team is Holyfield, then I just hope August isn't coming to bite off a piece of that ear. Stupid heat. Really though, what's the reason not to be on board? They're likeable dudes, they have a brother on the team named Elvis and the manager looks like the musicians on the backs of early '80s jazz records. I'm in.

Ben: I'm predicting post-season glory for this young group. I wish my pops was alive to see this; I think he died with Ranger hate. He seriously left this world with an unknown degree of frustration over some of the worm-burner breaking balls that Pudge and Juan used to whiff on. And he may not have been at peace with Bobby Witt.

Skin: I blame the Rangers' entire past on steroids and Pete Rose, and the subsequent gambling-on-steroids era. That led to poker on TV, and people driving to Louisiana or Oklahoma to gamble. It's just a big sordid mess, and a testament to Josh Hamilton that your dad can now stand to the side with Yoda, Kenobi and Anakin and watch this Rangers' season in peace.

TOPIC 3: Michael Phelps is back ... sorta

Skin: Michael Phelps made big news last week by returning from a suspension and losing two races. I was shocked to learn that there are actually competitive swimming events that exist outside of the Olympics. I wonder what the Octomom thinks about all that? I wonder if anyone besides me wonders about the Octomom?

Ben: Many people have wondered that same thing about fetishes far worse than yours, Skin. Don't hang your head. No matter how weird you get, you're still a better role model than Dino Velvet. What were you saying about giant water bongs and cereal?

Skin: Dear Lord, Lucky Charms are so wonderful. Especially when you're feeling all euphoric due to a recent suspension. Or you got suspended because of whatever you did that made you euphoric, and you just did it again, and then you go and look in a pantry and that leprechaun is there, and he's totally winking at you and showing you all his marshmallows and encouraging you to bow up with some milk and make it happen. I bet those Octokids only get generic brand cereals, 'cause that premium stuff can get expensive. They'll be rocking Schwag Krispies or something.

Ben: I can't imagine a scene that involves eight toddlers. Sounds like an endless poop loop that would require a full-time diaper pit crew. I can't imagine how awkward it is for that oven-bun-loving mom as she tries to get all happy-hour pregnant again to a choir of screaming babies and the aroma of an overturned port-o-let.

Hear the guys on The Ben and Skin Show weekdays from 3 to 7 p.m. on 105.3 "The Fan." Follow them at twitter.com/benandskin. And read Topic 4 on QuickDFW.com.