BEN & SKIN'S HOT POTATO SALAD

TOPIC 1

Ben: Nicollette Sheridan will no longer be a regular on Determined Housemilfs. Although she suffers from slight man-face and spends way too much time with Michael Bolton, I've always found her to be a quality sex-seeking-style soccer mom. I guess her journey to finding the exact same role in Hollywood begins immediately.

Skin: I have no idea what to think about anything ever. Did you just outline a plot detail from Desperate Housewives? Are you telling me you watch this show, or was there a massive news item I just missed because my TMZ is broken? Do you live in a prison that has one TV on all the time and you have no control over what's on?

Ben: Yes. That prison is called marriage. Stop judging me. And BTW, I wish my TMZ was broken. I keep accidentally watching it every night, and that trash is some crap-trash made entirely of crap and trash. Perhaps it's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black to throw rocks at TMZ in a tasteless pop-culture column, but then again, who am I to judge myself?

Skin: It took me 20 minutes of TMZ viewing before I realized that it wasn't a documentary about harmless celebrity stalkers hanging out in airports. At least Verne Troyer still gets work out of it. And you make a good point about our column, but we haven't resorted to following Neve Campbell while she looks for her car outside a Wal-Mart as content fodder in weeks.

TOPIC 2

Skin: Northern Idaho is in the news because the Aryan nation identified it in a recruiting campaign as their "world headquarters." Poor Idaho. The only two things anybody knows about that state is that it may or may not be where Fargo is, and that a bunch of pasty, hate-mongering dudes with no chance of hooking up with hot chicks live there. Can't be good for tourism.

Ben: I've been working on some new slogans for the Idaho state license plate: "Idaho: Come Eat Potatoes With Extremely Hateful White People." And "Idaho: Seriously, We Are Still a State. Holler At Us."

Skin: I admire your marketing brain, Ben, but I do feel like it's a lost cause for Idaho. They should just turn the whole state into an enormous bounce house, offer some flavorless inexpensive pizza and get jug-band performers in bear suits, so the bigots can see that unity can be found at a little kid's birthday party.

Ben: Did you say bigots or bigfoots? 'Cause if you said bigfoots, and you're planning on having a bunch of people dressed up in bear suits, you are asking for trouble. And by "trouble," I mean a bizarre mauling. And by "mauling," I mean mating. What else would I mean? What did you mean? Have you ever seen a grown bigfoot naked? It's impressive.

TOPIC 3

Ben: There are so many ways to enjoy this headline, it's hard to keep the smile off my face. I heard the spill happened after members of the paparazzi jumped out of a bush and spooked her horse with flashbulbs. Madonna should hang out with horses that have been on film before, and are used to cameras. Seems to make sense on many levels.

Skin: I'm sure she's ridden many a black stallion, seems like she'd be a horse-film aficionado. So who jumped out of the bush? I read she has some expensive hedges. You remember the story about A-Rod jumping out of her pre-fame armpit and onto a horse?

Ben: Reading your last entry was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Oops, I just pictured my kids 25 years from now, dragging an old, time-worn box out of a dusty attic corner and finding a collection of faded HPS clippings, only to discover that I favored your last entry over them.

Skin: Your kids' future interest in our past will lead to Crispin Glover falling out of a tree and startling Lea Thompson just long enough for the horse to fade from the Madonna Polaroid I took after jumping out of a bush with the paparazzi. It is our density.

Hear the guys on The Ben and Skin Show weekdays from 3 to 7 p.m. on 105.3 "The Fan." E-mail them at skin@benandskin.com.