HALLOWEEN

Ben: Although this franchise never properly utilized Jamie Lee Curtis' special sweater-chest talent, Michael Myers and his chilling, white Christopher Walken mask still scare the used food out of my body. Remember when Snake Plissken had to fly in on a glider and rescue Myers' psychiatrist from soul legend Isaac Hayes in Escape from Halloween?

Skin: That was sandwiched between Ike Hayes' amazing Hot Buttered Soul record and his work on South Park – which was not his first cartoon, by the way. A lot of folks don't know that he probably did or didn't play Woodstock in the Halloween classic It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. But that POV camera in Halloween put the viewer in the mind frame of Michael, and you're right – I'd rather have been Aykroyd in Trading Places.

Ben: When I think of the Halloween movies, I always go back to that psychiatrist. He had a real Richard Crenna vibe. Both Michael Myers and John J. Rambo were fortunate to have such authoritative cheerleaders hyping them up to law enforcement doubters. I need a guy like that in my crew. But with my current limited posse enrollment, it would have to be my 4-year-old son, and I just don't think he's ready.

THE SHINING

Skin: Sheer horror! The spooky twins, the isolation, the lobby filled with blood, the shrub maze. But most horrifying of all – Olive Oyl. Shelley Duvall needed some sunshine somethin' fierce.

Ben: I can barely go into old, creepy, abandoned hotels in the middle of nowhere where people are rumored to have been murdered anymore because of that movie. It scares me to my core to think I'll run into someone as pale as Shelley Duvall in a place like that.

Skin: I'm glad it doesn't snow much here in the Dub, because it always brings back memories of how this movie tortured me. A few months ago, my young daughter asked me if it was going to snow this year, and I could only reply, "Don't ask so many questions. And by the way, REDRUM is murder backward. Sleep tight."

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

Ben: Freddy Krueger's terrible acne still terrifies me to this day. While this franchise is turbo-spooky for sure, without that uncontrollable acne, it's basically just Dreamscape plus Edward Scissorhands, minus Dennis Quaid, plus other stuff.

Skin: The first Elm Street was definitely one of Johnny Depp's scariest flicks, but nothing shook me like Nightmare on 21 Jump Street. It's just not fair to a high school kid to make him think he's going to have to compete for chicks with hunky, mid-20s undercover cops. Especially when said kid has Krueger's complexion.

Ben: Depp was also great as Bud Fox in Nightmare on Wall Street. Krueger scared me when I was 14, but even then I realized that his dialogue was excessively campy. This is the weakest franchise in the history of movie- making, outside of Child's Play, Bad Boys and The Mummy.

POLTERGEIST

Skin: A brilliant filmic manifesto depicting how television of the early '80s had entranced, haunted and "kidnapped" families that had fallen under the spell of unfunny sitcoms and banal Aaron Spelling programming. It warned of the horrors the so-called "TV people" would inflict on the American family. Or maybe I misread it and added unintended metaphors and it was just a bunch of irritated ghosts.

Ben: Honestly, I thought those overly sensitive ghosts reacted a bit harshly to a fine real estate development. But what makes this movie work is the greatness of Craig T. Nelson. Remember when he told those football scouts from North Texas that Tom Cruise was a bad egg 'cause he dumped trash on an ancient Indian burial ground? Then he sold Apollo Creed a broken DeLorean and ran off with Sharon Stone and Vanity. He was big pimpin' in every role he ever took, son.

Skin: He was the only dude who seemed to have escaped the alleged "Poltergeist curse." Ask JoBeth Williams about it, if you can find her.

FRIDAY THE 13TH

Ben: Jason Voorhees has every quality I look for in a middle linebacker. However, an unquenchable need to butcher sexy coeds who love to party at summer camps makes me wonder if he'll ever be able to focus solely on football. Or hockey. Plus, he's like 50 now. Man, I'm a terrible GM. I should totally hire a "football guy."

Skin: I never "got" the Friday the 13th movies. Was it the conservative-family-values folks making those things? They were clearly aimed at teenagers, but the premise is that if you party in the summer and have tons of sex, you'll end up hanging from a door with a hook stuck in your cerebellum. That's the best "abstinence message" ever.

Ben: Those movies just made me want to go to summer camp even more. Hockey masks were nowhere to be found in this region, so I knew I was safe from psycho killer hockey goalies. But those flicks made it look impossible not to hook up with a swimsuit model at camp. BTW, they screwed up by killing off Bill Murray's character too soon. Remember when Tripper put Jason's bed out in the middle of Camp Crystal Lake? Jason was truly pissed.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

Skin: Worst movie ever? Was the scary part that everyone got suckered by Internet marketing into watching a below-average student film? Or was it an illustration of how dizzy 80 minutes of shaky hand-held camera can be?

Ben: According to facts, the worst movie ever was Battlefield Earth. Blair Witch actually scared me, but only because I fear camping. Outdoor deuces are extremely complicated, plus angry bears love human-meat sandwiches.

Skin: True story. On a canoeing/camping trip, I once pulled ashore to rock an outdoor deuce. I dropped trou, but before I could foul it up I noticed a giant bull about 20 yards away, bitterly staring at my naked booty. I froze up and couldn't rock one for two days. I should have had the foresight to shakily film that and market it as a terrifying true story, starring Shelley Duvall.

THE EXORCIST

Skin: This definitely falls into the category of "doesn't hold up very well." Those early '70s special effects ain't that special anymore. I'd imagine whatever Linda Blair ended up doing with Rick James in the '80s was scarier than anything in this.

Ben: This movie put stunt-vomiting on the map. It also finally pulled the curtain back on PMS. Prior to that, no one really knew how to handle their wives switching back and forth between the sweet and demonic realms.

Skin: There's no doubt they paved the way for the type of genre-defying stunt-vomiting that Scott Baio delivered in Zapped! I couldn't wait to see all the nudity Zapped! had to offer back when I was 11. It was a simpler time then, when the only thing you cared about in a flick was how naked the girls were. Come to think of it, life is still pretty simple.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Ben: This franchise scares me more than all others because there is an element of reality in play. If you've ever gotten lost on a road trip between here and Arkansas, you've probably run across an evil hillbilly population pocket or two that either made you fear for your life, or feel for Ned Beatty.

Skin: Dude, I've seen that pocket between Argyle and Roanoke. Massacre is based on a true story, which adds that extra element of shock and fear. Krueger, Leatherface, Jason and Michael – I'm assuming the common denominator of horror is bitter killers avenging the trauma of their acne-filled youth.

Ben: Outside of Logjammin' and Scarface, no other movie has done more to fuel lumberjackaphobia. However, chainsaws aren't exactly efficient weapons. If they were, police officers would carry them in holsters.

THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

Skin: Now this is my kind of horror flick – the psychological thriller. Is there anything scarier than a killer hybrid of Iggy Pop and David Bowie, tucking his junk between his thighs and glam-rocking out while Anthony Hopkins is conspiring to get out of a triple-max security prison in order to reunite with that ventriloquist dummy from Magic so he can sex up an extremely hot Ann-Margret?

Ben: Side note – Scott Glenn is perfectly cast in every role he's ever taken on. I loved it in the sequel, Silence of the Other Lambs, when Scott Glenn tried to roll a rodeo-themed pinball machine into a Scientology spaceship in a futile attempt to steal Jodie Foster away from John Travolta.

Skin: I don't disagree about Glenn, but I always felt like he was the dude they activated on game day whenever Tommy Lee Jones couldn't go. You're right about Urban Cowboy though – scariest Halloween soundtrack of all time. I'll be bumping it this year as trick-or-treaters come up to my front door, so they can feel the same sheer terror I felt when I was 10 years old and had Mickey Gilley incessantly shoved down my eardrums.

SAW

Ben: Despite the fact that every main character in this franchise is deader than dead, there seems to be a new Saw movie every Halloween. Jigsaw is a scary dude for sure, but even scarier is the possibility that this franchise may never end. Ever.

Skin: Fortunately, I've never seen it. But it sounds like the horror equivalent of the Tupac catalog. So is Jigsaw a power tool? Is this series about an evil general contractor? Lord knows I've had some scary experiences with glorified carpenters telling me my house needs new walls, flooring and ceiling to meet "code."

Ben: The psychotic villain is kind of a Mr. Burns-type character. An old balding dude with silver hair on the sides who usually has a bunch of brainwashed Smithers-types doing his evil bidding. I heard there was a puppet in it, so I took my toddlers to see the last one. I don't think they liked it.